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Monday, August 19, 2013

Outside Looking In

No one sees the world exactly the same way. We all have our boundaries, beliefs and routines. But how do you know when a routine is bad? Or when your beliefs are jaded? 
We've been this way since who knows how long. Always outsiders, and always worried about what "normal" people thought of us as we crossed the streets, went to the store and even tried to go on vacation. 
We know not everyone accepts our situations. It's not exactly easy to hide disgust, shame and snobbery, but people apparently think they can hide it from us. I grew up knowing that we were not the normal ones. I had never had a normal life. I never reacted to things normally. I was always different. And different was something to be ashamed of. 
My situation was certainly "different" and abnormal. It still is to this day. My reactions, and at times my actions would not be considered to belong in my generation. 
I've always felt outside looking in. I carry a burden, that could be better or worse than the people around me, but it's extremely difficult to hide it. I'm not good at handling all the inner choas within a circumstance that most people have no problem over. I don't have a sanctuary. I don't believe that I can rely on people. It's a matter of time before I wake up and force the ugly reality. 
This has been my life since I can remember. 
Maybe when I was little and young things were different. But now, the older I get, the bigger the rift becomes between me and what should be a sanctuary. I'm told so many different things about what to do. Run away. Suck it up. Ignore it. All these pieces of advice come from various sources and they help only a little. 
Maybe the problem is that people don't see this. They don't see the constant chaos. The bristling air where one wrong comment, one wrong word can start a hurricane that crushes my hope and my faith that things will get better. Acting is one thing, but keeping a constant face is another. 
So I have been an outsider, looking in at the people who laugh, smile, say nice things and can actually enjoy vacations, family reunions and any other lovely ocassion. 
I feel like I'm banging against a glass wall, wondering why I can't be there. Receiving support and kindness. Not carrying a burden that cannot be handled in one giant venting session.
Is it really my outlook on the world? Have I become that jaded?
Sure I have dreams, and I pursue them like no tommorow, but do I have the foundation to build those dreams on? 
Why carry this burden? Why even hide how I feel about it? Why try to pretend that I fit in to a constant world of subtext that involves a fantasy I can't even see? 
So where do I belong?
Do I belong always standing at the glass wall, admiring others' lives and not understanding why mine can't be similar? Will I have to sacrifice something important to break free of this constant stress?
It's very difficult to watch people have fun in life, and wonder how they can accomplish it. 
Sometimes I wonder, "Does it take strength to find happiness?"
Is it an effortless habit, result of circumstances or a stroke of luck to not have a constant cloud of stress around you? 
Of course. Life is not fair. That is clear as day. 
My problems are real, and no matter how much they want me to pretend they aren't, I can't shove them in a drawer. But where can I put them? Half my problems have no solution. Some of them are truths that I have to accept. Some are habits I am trying to change. What use is negativity all the time? Wouldn't it be pitiful to live that way? Is that even living? Expecting the worst and never believing that happiness is around the corner? 
I'll admit that I have lived that way for years. But not anymore. Now I want to hope. I want to dream. I want to laugh, have fun. I want to believe that things will get better. 
I'm tired of being the outsider always looking in.

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