On Grief and Life

Grief. It's something that no one likes to talk about.  I took a class on it years ago, and I learned a lot. But the most powerful image of grief came to me as a scene from Avatar the Last Airbender, and it has stuck with me ever since I first saw it on the season two finale. 

This moment has stuck with me, because I have lost many people in my life, and I'm not really sure that there is a great way to handle any of those situations. 

Grief is a complex thing, and no one handles it the same way. There are stages, but there are also defenses, coping mechanisms and flat out denial. 

For me, I would like to believe that love is never gone, even when the person has moved on. 

As Guru Pathik tells Aang, "Love is a form of energy." 

I lost my uncle today. But I have many fond memories with him, and those memories will always be there. The most important thing is, I was able to talk with him, and I have seen him happy and alive. 

Am I okay? No. But I don't need to be. He was my uncle, and I miss him. 

I will always remember his animated personality, and his love of comics, cards and collectibles. 

My uncle gave me my favorite pokemon card for free when I was seven! 

He was always talking about super heroes, comic books, Magic cards and video games. 

I watched the last Lord of the Rings movie with him, and we had a fun philosophical conversation about what the future will be like. We talked about Final Fantasy, Middle Earth, and Harry Potter. 

These memories are things I treasure, and I will never forget the details of where, when and how they happened. 

Grief is necessary. It's not fun, and it's not considered a brave or strong act, but I believe it is. 

I believe that it is important to honor the connections that we have. It's one of the things that make us human. To go through grief, no matter how big or small is a brave act. Because you lived. You shared moments with the person that is gone. And those moments alone are precious. 

If it didn't matter to you, it wouldn't hurt. And because it does, that hurt is a blessing, because moments spent with other people are part of living. Each moment is special, and the fact that you had those moments with them, that's what make living worthwile. 

So I will remember my uncle today, and I will write something for him. 

Distance

Distance

I thought it would protect me.
I thought I wouldn't get hurt.
I wouldn't be heart broken.

Now
I regret.
Now
I despair.
Now I watch others
hand in hand
and wonder
if I could have been that way.

If I can have a fairytale . . .

Will I be given the chance?
Or do I need to break my own heart again?
Do I need to move on from something
that never started?

Should I stop
clinging to empty hope?
Or should I start
believing in a fairytale?

Distance
can hurt.
Distance
can complicate.

Distance
has done nothing
but allow me
to break my own heart.

On fear and life

It's funny how fear can prevent you from living. The fear of dying. The fear of getting hurt. The fear of being alone. Even the fear of public speaking has made people terrified to make their voice known.
But the thing about fear is that it's a self made cage.
If you're always afraid of something, will you ever believe you can overcome it? If you always worry about the end of something, have you ever truly begun? If you focus on the negative outcome, can you enjoy the positive outcome? If you never trust anyone, can you truly appreciate those that you can trust?
What is living anyway? Many people have their own definitions of it, and even the media presents life in a way where if you're not doing something others expect of you, you feel pressured to do so.
So how do you stop something that you started? Can you truly rise above your fear and begin to learn about what you CAN do?
Fear often stops people from appreciating wonderful moments in life.
Instead of being proud that they spoke out in front of others, some people build up the moment in their head, and waste most of their day before the speech with worry, doubt and of course fear.
I do this. All the time. When I'm not worrying about a negative outcome, I'm focused on everything I could have fixed or changed. When I'm not doing that, I'm on the defense, always ready with my shield if a dragon comes along to burn me to a crisp. Dragons have a different definition to me than most people. Some of the dragons I watch out for are miracles to others. Some of them don't even appear frightening or threatening to people. Especially my own generation it seems.
It's times like these, when I realize how painfully strange I can be within people of my own age group, that I feel lonely and sad.
Every now and then, I fantasize that I am just like them. Not facing any of the fears that I have. Not worrying about all the lame things I worry about.
So I have to make a decision, where I am fighting my own mind.
Is it really that scary?
Do I even have time or energy to waste on this?
And how much have I wasted already?
Even these questions frustrate me to the point where I feel like I've wasted my life. A life that many people tell me has only just begun.
Maybe it's selfish, but I feel like I haven't experienced the same things that most people have already.
I have a whole list of "normal" every day and every life occurrences that I have never done.
So I feel so strange, listening to people my age talk about things that I don't even know about. Some people tell me I'm not missing much. Others tell me that I need to start living.
It hurts, hearing that.
Start living. As if I haven't done anything to be proud of. I have nothing to brag about at family reunions that matters to most people. Nothing to say about middle school or high school.  Nothing!
But I have my writing. My memories with friends and family. My songs. My goals and dreams.
I guess this is what you would call career minded, but it's not always what it's cracked up to be. Apparently people have told me this is true of relationships as well.
Not all it's cracked up to be. Isn't everything that way? Nothing goes exactly the way you expect it to. That's life? Right?

So I write to put my voice out there. I read to learn more about the world. I sing for the pure enjoyment of singing. And I observe to learn more about life. What it really is, and what really matters as I live it. Maybe this understanding of what really matters, and what I have done will help me overcome the fear that prevents me from adding things to the list. If I've truly never lived my life, then maybe I should start living. Whatever that means.

Never Give Up!

Many of my friends and family are very sad right now, and I'll admit that I'm not in the best situation myself. But just because life gets tough, it doesn't mean we should throw in the towel. 

I've been doing a lot of reading, writing and reflecting, and here are some tips I have found when you're down in the dumps.

Count your blessings: What are you grateful for? What do you appreciate in life? What do you like about yourself?

Do something you love: Watch your favorite movie. Listen to your favorite song on repeat. Take a walk, bring your ipod and just listen to whatever your playlist brings your way.

Meditate: Take a deep breath, close your eyes, then open them to take in where you are. Pretend that you've never been here before. What do you notice? Are there dewdrops on the flowers? Is the sun shining on the snow?

Give Yourself A Break: Are you thinking that you failed? Are you thinking that you can't get past this? How do these thoughts benefit you? They don't. Instead think "I will get through this." "I can do this." 

Talk to someone: You don't have to talk about what's wrong. Reminesce on old times. Laugh at your favorite jokes. Just enjoy each others' company. Smile, Laugh and have fun.

Think about what you can do for others: Are you shopping today? Are you walking the dog? Smile and wave at the people you meet. Tell a joke at the check out line. Compliment someone. You'll be surprised at how you feel helping someone get through their day. All because you acknowledged them.

Turn Lemons into Lemonade: Ask yourself- "What can I do to improve my situation?" And act accordingly. Do you have a lot of time? Use it for your hobbies. Make new friends. Are you stuck in bed? Read, Watch a movie or even write if you feel like it. Come up with ways to enjoy where you are now, until you get to where you want to be. 

All these tips I have probably been advised by people through out my life, but only now, after reading numerous books and reflecting on my own habits, have I truly listed them as goals and habits. Why? Because it's more difficult. It's easier to give up. It's easier to blame the world. It's easier to hold a grudge. But in the long  run, does it reward you? No. 

The greatest reward you can earn in life is looking out from your self made prison and seeing the stars. 

So I hope this helps the people I care about. Those people on tumblr threatening suicide, my friends and family whose frustration builds up and carries over into resentment and negativity. 

If  you don't think that these tips will work for you, think about it this way, if someone you cared about was in this situation, what would you tell them? How would you want them to look at themselves and life? 

Will I?

A vicious cycle
A winding road
A thing of brilliance
A heavy load

Whatever life is
It's always too fast
A moment forgotten
A connection that won't last

They say to live
from day to day.
Can my mind
work that way?

Can I drop all
the burdens that I bear?
Raise my voice?
Live without a care?

Risk it all
But still be me?
Witness all
that I want to see?

Go somewhere
far away
Pick a place
to write and stay

Rip the past
From under my feet
Wipe out the doubt
Depression and Defeat

Forget the pain
And never shy
From all those moments
that pass you by

Write and write
Read and read
Discover the elements
that I need.

Realize I'm only
as strong as I feel?
Create a world
where happiness is real?

All these questions
boggle my mind
While I say things
cruel and kind.

Will I make my own story
And stop living in fear?
Or will everything pass me
Year after year?

Advice?

 

Leaves change

Seasons pass

Wind blows

Memories last

Stories grow

 People fight

Dark Sky 

Bright Sunlight

I ask

No answer

 Troubled mind

Clumsy Dancer

Is life

a scale

with balance

and time?

Inner Turmoil

Or Chaos

Silent cries

Loud mime

A smile

A frown

A road

A path

An anger

A sadness

A tear

A laugh

What life

can be

is up

to you.

Don't lie

Stay strong 

Take time

Be true

Serious

Prompt: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?

The one thing I would change about myself is how serious I am. I'm always on my guard, at work, at home and of course every where else.  I know it is a choice I made long ago. I decided to always be on my guard, decided to be serious. It's an unconscious shield. It goes up during the slightest hint of chaos or change.  It's the one thing that people probably don't like about my personality. But I will admit that I do have times where I wish I could live in the moment.
Worrying is a curse, and it's almost a default of mine.
I isolate myself due to worry, anger, sadness and pain. It's my fault I know, and I also know that it drives people crazy.
I think too much, and I'm always in my own world. So if I could change something about myself, I'd let go of this shield. I might regret doing that currently. Maybe now isn't the time to be selfish, do what I actually want to do, or forget for a while the role I have forced myself to believe I must act in.
It's not something I'm used to. Letting go.
But maybe if I did, I'd have more fun. I'd be able to function in a normal setting without acting abnormal. Would I be more confident? More strong? Would I know that life is meant to be lived? Would I understand that worry is a giant boulder you put on your own shoulders. Would I be able to make the climb for what I want.
I do hold on to dreams, so maybe that's a step in the right direction. I don't want to be isolated. I don't want to be in pain, or sad constantly. Honestly . . . who does?
The truth is, I'm terrified to let go, and jump into the unknown.
Luckily I have two great friends that do their best to make sure I join in on the fun :)