Lessons Learned

Sometimes we have to crash and burn before we can move forward. 

I'm really lucky. I have a family who supports me and helps me get what I want, even if my decisions are impulsive. 

Here's the truth. I love Disney, and that's never going to change. 

I went to Florida, and things happened because I made them happen. I applied for jobs down here, and my family helped me move down here. 

But before I got here, I was fighting a viscous battle with anxiety. I felt lost, and as if the world wouldn't stop spinning. I was moving from place to place with no goals, and I was ashamed of the fact that I hadn't accomplished what I wanted to. 

My uncle died. It was a shock. I was scared and I didn't know if there was anything I could do. 

He was really proud of me, and I learned that he was telling everyone about my travels in South Korea. 

But I felt that I had failed. I felt that I wasn't going after anything that I wanted. 

Now, I had some incredible adventures in South Korea. I started writing again. I made all these amazing friends, and I felt like I was in a memorable chapter of my life. I learned so many lessons, and I even have a few scars. 

I moved from South Korea to Colorado to Arkansas and then Florida. I was able to work for the job I wanted, but I wasn't able to keep it. 

My grief crept up on me. And my shame. 

So I'm going back, and I'm starting from scratch. 

I'm fighting a battle with anxiety, and I'm going to win it. For my uncle. For my parents, and most of all, for me. 

I will make things happen. This time with a more grateful attitude. I will keep writing, because it's my passion. My new goal is to get my trilogy published. One goal to focus on. I think that's a good start. 

I still haven't given up on my dream. But I know, and I think my subconscious knew first that I need some help right now. I need a safe haven, and that's something I need to create. 

I'll get there. One step at a time. 

The Year in Review

This year was filled with lessons, reflections and choices. 

I began the year with my friends in South Korea, norebanging- (karaoke) and finishing my project for my trilogy. 

In January I finished my trilogy- plot wise. 

In Feburary I celebrated Lunar New Year at the Gold Buddha Temple.

I made a wish... 

 and I saw Hong Kong Disneyland! 

I reflected on my life so far at the Lotus statue: 

In March, I focused on my new story based on Cupid and Psyche- I visited a beautiful Buddhist private school with my friend Whitney and drew inspiration for my Korean Fairytale story: 

In April, I explored Jeju island! 

And I saw my favorite flowers: Cherry Blossoms around South Korea! 

In May, I become an Agent of Shield! 

 And I reflected on my experience teaching English in South Korea: 

In June, I visited my friend Becca

 explored San Francisco, 

and I went to Disneyland for their 60th anniversary courtesy of my friend Becca :) 

In July, I went to the Dragon Boat festival: 

Began researching butterflies . . .

And my friend Kim came to visit! We went to a cool Mythology exhibit! 

In August, I did a lot of soul searching, and writing.

September came with many changes . . . 

I lost someone very dear to me . . . 

My Uncle Huey, who loved great stories, comic book heroes, and his daughter Jamie. 

October was a soul searching month as well . . . 

I met some cool people . . . 

I landed a job close to my home away from home: 

I witnessed a beautiful wedding for someone I've known all my life: 

In November I started a new life in a new place: 

Faced some dragons. 

And in December I found the force again . . .

I learned a lot about gratitude

Saw some beautiful things. And hope to be more grateful for each day I have. 

For the new year: 

My resolutions are

1. Publish my novel

2. Practice more gratitude

3. Listen to my heart

4. Never give up

5. Keep Moving Forward

The Illusion of Control

When going through a hard time, I watch movies to help me deal with the chaos or the disappointment. 

This month has been very difficult for people I know, so I thought I would share something that gave me comfort while facing a trying time. 

I was very angry, and in a way I still am with the situations that I've had to face. The uncertainty, the loss and the challenges that lay ahead. 

On the way back to Arkansas, from one of the most heart-wrenching visits with family that I had, I watched Kung Fu Panda, and I learned another interesting lesson about life. 

I've watched this movie countless times. We even watched it in South Korea, and the students had to write about what had happened in the story. 

Typically watching this movie, Po is the character I identify with. I have a dream, and obstacles that I have to overcome to achieve it. But his story is only one lesson of many in the film. 

Shifu has a lesson of his own, and I'm surprised I didn't pick up on it before. 

Shifu's obstacle in the film is wanting to be in control. He trained Tai Lung to be the best, but when things didn't go according to his expectations, he shut himself off from his later students. He became guarded, cold and obsessed with control. Po is a wild card in his plan, and he doesn't know what to do with it. First, he tries to get rid of that unexpected element. He tries to convince Po to leave. 

He runs to his master, Oogway, hoping that somehow Oogway will agree that Po is not the dragon warrior. He tries to explain that it was an accident, and it's impossible for Po to be the dragon warrior. 

Oogway tells him, "My old friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control." 

Life is unpredictable. We may plan for as much as we can, but there are no guarantees. It's easy to forget this in the fashion of a daily routine. Sometimes we can control things in our lives, but when we can't it is natural to feel frustrated. 

That was where I was at. I was grieving for my uncle, not wanting to face the truth that he was gone. Not wanting to believe that he didn't have that year the doctor told him to get better. And, I was frustrated with the fact that no matter what I tried, I couldn't secure a job or place to live when the time came for my family to move to Arkansas. As much as I love my family, I was angry at myself. I felt like I had failed, and that I had sunk so low, I would never get back to a life of my own. I had given up, and I had allowed despair, grief and anger to rule my mind and heart. 

But life cannot be controlled. You can perform actions, that in turn become events and there are specific actions that set off a specific chain of events, but there is no guarantee that what you do will control everything in your life, or prepare you for anything that comes your way. 

This lesson may seem obvious and simple on paper, but it is harder to accept it and live that way. 

I wanted to control my life, and the events that happened in it, and I had expected my plan to be flawless. But that was an unrealistic view. 

I had a lesson to learn, and I don't regret learning it. 

Reacting to something is natural, and not every reaction is easy to choose, especially when a loved one dies or you lose a job. There's no manual that tells you how to prepare for those moments, just as there is no manual to tell you how to live your life. The best you can do is to live them, and accept that you do not control them. So I will focus on my reactions, and work with what I can control. 

I wrote something for my uncle, and I am still applying for jobs. I will focus on what I can do, and hope for the best. 

Grief is natural, and life is messy. Sometimes the best thing to do, is to let go of the illusion of control. 

On Grief and Life

Grief. It's something that no one likes to talk about.  I took a class on it years ago, and I learned a lot. But the most powerful image of grief came to me as a scene from Avatar the Last Airbender, and it has stuck with me ever since I first saw it on the season two finale. 

This moment has stuck with me, because I have lost many people in my life, and I'm not really sure that there is a great way to handle any of those situations. 

Grief is a complex thing, and no one handles it the same way. There are stages, but there are also defenses, coping mechanisms and flat out denial. 

For me, I would like to believe that love is never gone, even when the person has moved on. 

As Guru Pathik tells Aang, "Love is a form of energy." 

I lost my uncle today. But I have many fond memories with him, and those memories will always be there. The most important thing is, I was able to talk with him, and I have seen him happy and alive. 

Am I okay? No. But I don't need to be. He was my uncle, and I miss him. 

I will always remember his animated personality, and his love of comics, cards and collectibles. 

My uncle gave me my favorite pokemon card for free when I was seven! 

He was always talking about super heroes, comic books, Magic cards and video games. 

I watched the last Lord of the Rings movie with him, and we had a fun philosophical conversation about what the future will be like. We talked about Final Fantasy, Middle Earth, and Harry Potter. 

These memories are things I treasure, and I will never forget the details of where, when and how they happened. 

Grief is necessary. It's not fun, and it's not considered a brave or strong act, but I believe it is. 

I believe that it is important to honor the connections that we have. It's one of the things that make us human. To go through grief, no matter how big or small is a brave act. Because you lived. You shared moments with the person that is gone. And those moments alone are precious. 

If it didn't matter to you, it wouldn't hurt. And because it does, that hurt is a blessing, because moments spent with other people are part of living. Each moment is special, and the fact that you had those moments with them, that's what make living worthwile. 

So I will remember my uncle today, and I will write something for him. 

Erased

How am I supposed to feel

if I've cherished someone

who didn't 

cherish me?

Once it became 

too difficult

to keep in touch,

I was simply gone

from their mind.

How can I be 

invisible?

How could I be

wiped from their life

because I didn't matter

that much?

No goodbye.

No well wishes.

Just a mask

and an act 

disquised as caring.

Was I not part of their story?

Was my name even mentioned

in their tale?

No. 

They only kept

the parts of me

that they wanted.

They only remembered 

the times that 

I was their ideal.

Yet I . . .

miss them. 

I am sad 

that they are no longer

a part of my story. 

While I didn't exist in their tale,

they existed in mine. 

Why do I care more about 

people who don't care for me?

How could I have been

erased?

Advice?

 

Leaves change

Seasons pass

Wind blows

Memories last

Stories grow

 People fight

Dark Sky 

Bright Sunlight

I ask

No answer

 Troubled mind

Clumsy Dancer

Is life

a scale

with balance

and time?

Inner Turmoil

Or Chaos

Silent cries

Loud mime

A smile

A frown

A road

A path

An anger

A sadness

A tear

A laugh

What life

can be

is up

to you.

Don't lie

Stay strong 

Take time

Be true