Success: A Reflection

Last week, I met someone who graduated from College fairly recently. He asked me my dream, so I told him, and when I asked him the same, his answer was very simple. Successful.

We shared a laugh, because I believe that is what we all wish and dream. To be successful. But what does that mean? What is success? Is there a definition for people, in certain ages and stages of their life? 

I used to believe that, so I set standards for myself, and I told myself I wasn't sucessful until I achieved them. I was convinced that I had to pass the levels of life, like a video game. I had to level up for that boss fight and earn the reward, the gold medal. 

But then, I realized that time had passed, and I was still a beginner in the areas of life that I had expected to achieve by this age, and by this time. I began to tell myself that I had failed, and that I was a failure as a result. 

I looked at my choices, my reactions and repeated those negative thoughts day after day. This was very unhealthy, and as a result, I became very depressed, worried and just a mess. 

Well, life happened, and I found myself standing by my uncle's hospital bed. I felt so sad and angry at his situation. I wanted him to get better. But all I could do was ask what he wanted, if he needed anything, and what he would like to talk about. All I could do was be there for him, and hopefully it helped.  

What broke my heart was when he asked me what was going on in my life, something positive. I had nothing to say, but he brought up South Korea, and he asked me if I'll go back. I told him yes, probably and then I was able to talk about some of my adventures and experiences, but inside I was ashamed. I felt like had not achieved that desired goal, that level. I wasn't successful. 

It was after he died, talking with his friends and family that I discovered my uncle was very proud of me. 

"You're the one he wouldn't stop talking about!" one of my uncle's friends told me, "He was so proud of you!".
I began to cry, right then and there, and that's when I realized, no one else thought I had failed. Only I did, and it meant the world to me that my uncle was proud of me. 

I learned something very important: Success is not a report card.

Only we can decide what means the most to us and what matters in our lives. And to be considered successful is a great honor, but it matters more to feel successful 

I was being ridiculously hard on myself, and I had built a pedestal that limited my appreciation of the world around me, and the people around me. 

I wasn't focused on what I had accomplished. I was too focused on what I hadn't done yet. That way of thinking got in the way of my productivity. 

My family and friends are amazing! They helped me get through this stage, and I am grateful for everything they have done and still do for me. 

It really is important to be grateful, and to remember what you have accomplished. 

It's okay to dream, wish and want, but it's not okay to set a limit for yourself. Life is unpredictable. Things happen in their own time. That may be before or after you expect them to. The best thing to do is recognize when you've accomplished something that you have cared about, and to appreciate the journey along the path toward your goal. 

So what is success? Success is whatever you want it to be. No one has the same idea of being successful, and who are we to judge what kind of life a person lives? As long as you are happy, content and appreciate the world around you that's plenty to be proud of. 

So, what's my plan now? I have some idea, but it requires patience, work and time. It includes Disney, a company I love and miss working for.  I no longer tell myself that I haven't leveled up. Instead I look for what the day will bring, and I do what I can, while encouraging myself to keep going.

This reflection on success was inspired by a Ted Talk from Madu Nataraj Kiran: 

Adversity

What is adversity? 

Well, it's anything that seems to be an obstacle in your path. Anything challenging to you that makes you think, and any sort of change that is not easy to adapt to. 

Every protagonist faces adversity, whether it's a difficult choice or a looming monster challenging them to battle. 

So what do you do, when a monster is staring you in the face? Do you run? Do you challenge it? Or do you pretend it isn't there? 

Many people deal or don't deal with adversity in many ways. Some people judge others by how they deal with adversity. 

But why is adversity so important in stories? Because adversity is important in life. 

The way a person deals with adversity, and the way they choose to reflect on it really can make a difference in the way they live their life, and how they view it. 

I'm going through adversity myself, but it may not seem serious: instead it's a bit embarassing. I almost accepted a false job. So I was scammed. What was the first thing I did? Did I rise up and say no? Did I make a decision right away?

No. I panicked. I began to say horrible things to myself ("You were an idiot." and "You let this happen.") 

But did that help me deal with the adversity? Absolutely not. 

It's normal to be overwhelmed when adversity rears its head, but it's not healthy to determine that it is your fault. This is a natural response, but it doesn't do anything for you. 

Sure you can complain, vent, and blame others, but that still doesn't work. 

So how do you handle a difficult situation? 

One way to handle it, is to accept it, and use it. 

This way is not often taught in schools, or even in everyday media. But the thing about accepting adversity is that you can find meaning in it. That meaning becomes a part of who you are. 

It's like leveling up in video games, and the hero's path in novels. Every conflict you face is a part of your story, and your journey. Each conflict is a step toward finding who you are, and just how far you can go. 

Now, my brush with adversity is minor compared to others.

My brother has Autism. And I can't tell you how many times my brother, my family and I were judged, ridiculed, and ignored because of it. 

We live in a society where different is often ostracized. And now that Autism is becoming more recognized, and less "abnormal" future Autisic children will never have to deal with some of the ignorance and indifference of the school systems that we did.

But that's not the point. 

The point is, my brother struggles with things that are not a struggle to other people. And because of this, he believes that he will not succeed in living a normal life. 

His adversity is a constant battle with acceptance, and just as we all struggle to accept ourselves, so my brother deals with outward and inward ridicule. 

I learned a lesson while working in Korea about the response that kids had to adversity. 

In my students' cases. Many of them didn't want to learn English. But when I reasoned with them, and agreed that English was difficult, but I believed they could learn it: things changed. 

Did I have to do this? No. But I did, because I understood that when you are faced with adversity, the last thing you want to be told is "you can't". I was offered no guidance, and no extra counseling with these students, but through daily encouragement and positive feedback, they got better. 

Now, we're all human, and no matter what problem we face, people will tell us to deal with it, but maybe that's just another way to call it a burden or obstacle. 

Instead, you can think of adversity as a tool. 

As Aimee Mullins explains in this video: instead of asking "How can I get around this?" we can ask "What can I do with this?". 

Seeing adversity, difficulty and even failure as a step toward self discovery may be just the perspective that inspires you to use it. Adversity is the opportunity to write your own story.  

Overcoming fear

I have many fears. Some I have conquered, especially in the last two years, but there is one fear, possibly very common, that I still have trouble with.
This fear is deep, going back years ago, even to elementary school, but being a writer, and an optimist, I believe that I will be able to conquer it.
Fear is something that every protagonist must face in stories, from fairytales to novels and movies to T.V. shows. Especially in video games.
Fear can be this obstacle that shows up and challenges you before you're ready.
But, you are always ready, because fear can teach you about yourself, and once you conquer fear, you feel like you can do anything.
I'm working on conquering this fear. And in researching how to overcome fear, I came across this video.
Olympia LePoint is an inspiration. She conquered her fear and learned from it.
She has three steps in reprograming the brain to overcome fear.
The first two are easy, but the last step is the most difficult. Taking action.
This is a powerful speech about believing in yourself, and not letting obstacles prevent you from achieving your goals.
It may take some time, but I will conquer this fear, and one day, I'll look back and be proud of how far I have come.