The Edge

Sometimes we must stand on the edge, and allow life to happen. 

To be brave,

take the road less traveled.

To be true,

listen to your instincts.

To be happy,

find what you love to do. 

We are all wanderers, 

whether we travel, or stay in one place. 

The path that involves

your wishes, dreams, hopes and values

is more rewarding than the path

you believed that you had to take. 

Sometimes you must be patient and wait. 

Sometimes you must take the risk. 

But regardless of what you think,

the journey is determined by what you do. 

Life

So this is life. 

It's ups and downs.

Laughter and tears. 

A combination of dizziness and stability. 

That moment when you look to the stars. 

That feeling that everything will be okay. 

The chaos before the order. 

The painful yet necessary process of growth.

The blessings and curses. 

All of it, in one package, always there, beckoning. 

Some days are easy. 

Some days are hard, but they are all worth it. 

But what's most important, at the end of the day, is love. 

Love for yourself. 

Love for your family. 

Love for your friends. 

Love in the form of smiling at strangers. 

Doing something nice for them. 

Going the extra mile. 

Sometimes you take a step back. 

Sometimes you leap into the unknown. 

It all depends on your attitude, your mindset. 

Your story begins with you. 

How you choose to view the world. 

How you choose to see it. 

Whether you are foolish to be wise.

Wise to be foolish. 

Life is all around you. 

It's not always what you want. 

It's what you need. 

Who you want to be. 

Who you are. 

Every now and then . . .

Every now and then

              you need to break down.

Every now and then

               you need to tell yourself the truth.

Every now and then

               you need to deal.

Every now and then

               you need to cry.

Every now and then

               you need to let things go.

Every now and then

               you need to take things as they come.

Being patient.

Ignoring your own wishes.

Comparing yourself to others.

What good does it do?

When life is a series of steps,

that everyone takes at their own pace.

That the world works itself out sometimes.

Why worry?

Why be cruel to yourself?

Why go through life

without allowing things to happen?

Can believing in the world

banish all worry and doubt?

Outside Looking In

No one sees the world exactly the same way. We all have our boundaries, beliefs and routines. But how do you know when a routine is bad? Or when your beliefs are jaded? 

We've been this way since who knows how long. Always outsiders, and always worried about what "normal" people thought of us as we crossed the streets, went to the store and even tried to go on vacation. 

We know not everyone accepts our situations. It's not exactly easy to hide disgust, shame and snobbery, but people apparently think they can hide it from us. I grew up knowing that we were not the normal ones. I had never had a normal life. I never reacted to things normally. I was always different. And different was something to be ashamed of. 

My situation was certainly "different" and abnormal. It still is to this day. My reactions, and at times my actions would not be considered to belong in my generation. 

I've always felt outside looking in. I carry a burden, that could be better or worse than the people around me, but it's extremely difficult to hide it. I'm not good at handling all the inner choas within a circumstance that most people have no problem over. I don't have a sanctuary. I don't believe that I can rely on people. It's a matter of time before I wake up and force the ugly reality. 

This has been my life since I can remember. 

Maybe when I was little and young things were different. But now, the older I get, the bigger the rift becomes between me and what should be a sanctuary. I'm told so many different things about what to do. Run away. Suck it up. Ignore it. All these pieces of advice come from various sources and they help only a little. 

Maybe the problem is that people don't see this. They don't see the constant chaos. The bristling air where one wrong comment, one wrong word can start a hurricane that crushes my hope and my faith that things will get better. Acting is one thing, but keeping a constant face is another. 

So I have been an outsider, looking in at the people who laugh, smile, say nice things and can actually enjoy vacations, family reunions and any other lovely ocassion. 

I feel like I'm banging against a glass wall, wondering why I can't be there. Receiving support and kindness. Not carrying a burden that cannot be handled in one giant venting session.

Is it really my outlook on the world? Have I become that jaded?

Sure I have dreams, and I pursue them like no tommorow, but do I have the foundation to build those dreams on? 

Why carry this burden? Why even hide how I feel about it? Why try to pretend that I fit in to a constant world of subtext that involves a fantasy I can't even see? 

So where do I belong?

Do I belong always standing at the glass wall, admiring others' lives and not understanding why mine can't be similar? Will I have to sacrifice something important to break free of this constant stress?

It's very difficult to watch people have fun in life, and wonder how they can accomplish it. 

Sometimes I wonder, "Does it take strength to find happiness?"

Is it an effortless habit, result of circumstances or a stroke of luck to not have a constant cloud of stress around you? 

Of course. Life is not fair. That is clear as day. 

My problems are real, and no matter how much they want me to pretend they aren't, I can't shove them in a drawer. But where can I put them? Half my problems have no solution. Some of them are truths that I have to accept. Some are habits I am trying to change. What use is negativity all the time? Wouldn't it be pitiful to live that way? Is that even living? Expecting the worst and never believing that happiness is around the corner? 

I'll admit that I have lived that way for years. But not anymore. Now I want to hope. I want to dream. I want to laugh, have fun. I want to believe that things will get better. 

I'm tired of being the outsider always looking in.

Thoughtful Thursdays 2: A Thoughtful Book Review

I recently finished What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen. The message of this novel is actually a lesson that I had to learn myself, but not to the extreme of the protagonist Mclean.
As Mclean reaches the end of senior year in High School, she has obtained five identities.Her habit of giving herself a new name and personality was a coping mechanism with the many moves forced on her since her parents' divorce. As if a divorce was not complicated enough, Mclean also deals with fear of attachment. The many names she creates give her a way to avoid her own indentity. In truth, the real problem Mclean faces involves what she wants and who she is.
I have always loved Sarah Dessen's books since the moment I discovered Just Listen and found a favorite in This Lullaby. Each novel invites the reader into a psychological journey of dealing with difficult situations. Mclean is supposed to be the average girl, and on the surface, people would be impressed by all the activities she joined, and all the feats she accomplished; but, because Mclean refuses to get close to anyone, she has no true home within herself. One of the best scenes in this book, is the big reveal, when Mclean's new friends discover her many profile pages and she is forced to realize her true identity. I can relate to this, because my coping mechanism to avoid being close to others was to adapt to my favorite characters from books and television. After pretending to be a character who was too extreme for my personality, I realized that I had to learn to be myself and trust others. Mclean learns this lesson through the failure to create a new bogus identity when she moves to Lakeview, and her attempt to claim a new persona fails more than once. But the thing about Mclean's story is not only about the importance of discovering your identity. The true heart of the book involves the matter of creating a home for yourself.

One of the best quotes from the book is the revelation Mclean has about the real definition of a home.

"Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place but a moment, and another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go." (Dessen 364-365)

After reading the entire book, this quote stayed with me. Mclean's journey to discover herself is well worth the read for anyone who feels like they have no where to go, or even people who don't know their true persona. I give this book five out of five Blueberry Banana Brain Freezes. Mclean's story is a wonderful insight to the sanctuary you must find within yourself.

Thoughtful Thursdays 1

Topic: Inner Peace

This idea was in the movie Kung Fu Panda 2. Shi Fu tells Po that the only way he can become a master is to find inner peace. In other words, Po would only accomplish great feats if he had peace within himself. Inner peace is a concept that may or may not exist. Is is real to find peace within yourself? Po achieved peace by learning who he truly was at the present instead of clinging to the pains from the past. To be honest, I think it would be great if inner peace was real. To be able to find balance within yourself sounds like a nice solution to many problems. Even when you are faced with something in the present that is tied to your past, if you have inner peace wouldn't it be true that you wouldn't be stressed out or in pain? Or is inner peace the knowledge that things from the past will pop up time after time during the present? Maybe inner peace is simply accepting the way things are and the way you are. Inner peace sounds like a tricky thing, but maybe if you believe it is possible, you will be able to achieve it.