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Friday, July 26, 2013

To my soulmate. . .

Wherever you are,
Please don't give up on me.
In return I will promise
Not to give up on you.
Understand that I have scars
And I carry burdens and pain.
I hate silence,
Unless it is warm.
I won't give up easily,
Even in the roughest storm.
I hope these words reach you.
No matter how cheesy they are.
I would like to think
That you're near instead of far.
I believe that love is unconditional.
Not something you can buy.
Not something that has rules.
Not a life built on a lie.
I believe that relationships aren't perfect.
They are laughter and shouting.
Dancing and crying.
But they are worth it,
As long as we don't stop trying.
I want to believe I am not alone.
Maybe you do too.
So I will do all I can
To find and love you.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Love: A poem

You've been on my mind lately.
Will you find me?
Or will I find you?
Maybe we can meet in the middle.
I've heard stories about you.
I've heard rumors.
You exist.
You don't.
It's like you're there
but you're not there 
all at once.
I thought I found you
but I was wrong.
So for awhile
I believed that you only existed 
in fairytales,

The opposite of reality.

But lately . . .
even after my bitter years.
Years wasted on an idea.
In pursuit of a dream
I knew would never come true.
I want to be wrong.

They say you're blind.
They say you're a miracle.
They say so many things about you.
You're an illusion.
A trap.
A dream.
A rumor.

But now
I want to believe in you.
I want to believe that you exist.
Hopefully in reality.
But to find you
I will have to be brave.
To acknowledge you
I will have to accept the past.
To even believe that you exist
I must go beyond what I already know.
I must believe in something
I couldn't.

People claim to know you.
People die for you.
Stories revolve around you.
Music is you.
You are the greatest lesson in the world.
You are the hope in the world.
You are something beyond words.
You are beautiful.

if I begin to change.
If I begin to believe.
If I acknowledge your presence.
If I decide to make you fact instead of fiction.
What will happen?
Will you find me?
Will I find you?
Or will we meet in the middle?

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Second Canoe Adventure

Yesterday my parents and I went out for a canoe trip. We went to Rampart Lake, and I realized we hadn't been there since the fire that started near the park last year. We also had Haley at the time, and it was her first canoe ride. 
The weather was fair, and a little cloudy. Traffic on the way wasn't too bad, but when we got there, we discovered that the boat ramp was closed, and the ticket taker told my Dad that we'd have to walk the canoe down to the lake. It didn't seem to be an issue until we arrived at the very crowded parking lot and discovered that the lake was visible from a fairly steep hill and a small hiking trail. Dad parked the car and got out, walking around while Mom and I tried to calm Dingo from the car ride. He returned, telling us that the walk with the canoe was doable, and we did have wheels to help us out. We untied the canoe, strapped to our new Subaru, and fixed from one slip incident on the dirt road, and prepared to make the hike down to the lake. Did I mention it was a narrow hiking trail? We got down the sandy part okay, but then tree roots were stiking out as we got closer to the water. once we reached a tree, with a long trunk stuck in the ground in front of us, the wheels stopped working, and we were portaging a step slippery root maze with a steep, small hill waiting for us. Mom and I had the back of the canoe, while Dad held up the front. Dingo was in the car, just waiting for us to come back and get him. Once we reached those roots, Mom made a noise and I looked up, shocked to see her tumbling down the hill. While both Dad and I asked if she was okay, and the people fishing, who by now probably knew we were crazy for doing this, stared at us, Mom burst out laughing, and appeared to be okay, saying that she knew how to fall. 
Once the excitement was over, Mom went back to the car to get Dingo, and Dad went back to the car to get all the canoe gear and our picnic snacks. 
I have to admit it was a lovely sight, not many boats were on the water, and a nice breeze was blowing subtly through the air. I looked over while Mom and Dad were gone to see a family of five with an inflatable raft, and I couldn't help laughing, realizing how that must have been easy compared to what we just did. But I guess that just meant we were stubborn Goldens. 
Once everything was ready, we shoved off and began our voyage through the lake. Some of the National Forest had burned since our last visit, and one particular hill had green trees on one side, and  burnt wood on the other. The trees were like stick drawings placed on a sky blue background. 
It was nice and peaceful, with barely anyone on the lake, and most of the people were finishing. As we went to the other side of the lake, we stopped, took a snack break and Mom and I took pictures of flowers. Once we got back to the water, is was sprinkling. Not too far from our picnic spot, we discovered a lake, with a bright orange bobber shining in the sunlight. Naturally, we had to explore that, and I suggested we claim it, which Dingo did, and Mom named it Bobber Island. 
We stayed on Bobber Island for a little while, taking more flower pictures and chatting, then we headed out to go to the other side of the lake, where we saw bicyclists, and one even said hi. We also saw a couple with a dog, who threw a stick for the dog to catch, and the dog stared right at us as if to say, "You're already on the water. You can get that for me."
Once the sky darkened with clouds, it was time for the other adventure: getting the canoe out of the water. 
By the time we arrived, we noticed that our "boat ramp" was taken. A blue chair with a fishing pole was right in our way, so we went out and around to find a better option. Only a rock covered shore with big steep steps seemed to be a possibility, so we went back to the clearly unhappy fishers and apologized as we attempted to bring the canoe in to shore. They complained for awhile, but we were busy, taking everything  out of the boat, including the dog, and getting ready for the hike uphill, carrying a canoe. The hike up hill was much more successful than the hike downhill, and by the time we finished, the canoe was next to the car, ready to be lifted back on it, and thunder echoed through the air. It looked like we packed up just in time.
While we lifted the canoe on the top of the car, we saw all the people fishing, including the ones we had disturbed, head for the cars, pack up and drive off. 
All in all it was a successful day, and we spent more time on the lake than the last time we tried to attempt a canoe trip. 

But this is just my side of the story :)

Here's Dad's:

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Canoe adventure: Told perfectly by my father . . .

except for the part where I complained about being wet. That was my brother, not me. My fear of lightning is perfectly valid, in my opinion.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

On Taking Opportunities

"Everyone is living his life for the first time. The world has hidden transforming points in life. If you make them your opportunities, then you will not have regrets about your life." - Cyrano

This is probably the best quote I have come across in a long time. Another piece of wisdom that really speaks to the heart and reveals a wisdom beyond pride and ego.  We all have those moments where things didn't go as planned. Most likely we made mistakes, got hurt or even became humiliated. 
These events, even though they are painful, teach us something important as we grow. I'd like to believe this anyway. 
Every event that has left me with regret, a broken heart or even wounded pride are the events I remember, and the events I expect in the future. But I never took time to reflect on these events, and what I learned from them. Instead I was caught up in the pain and humiliation, only thinking of how horrible these events were to me. 
But I need to remember that these events are important, and they have taught me more about life, the world and myself than I can even comprehend. 
Regret, I think, is caused by not doing what you really wanted to do in the present moment. It's not so much of a "what if?" as a "why didn't I do that?" 
I know that people say to live in the present and forget the past. You can't be worried about the future all the time either. So where do you stand in that jumble of Past, Present and Future, in order to make the most of your life? You can't always expect the best, but you can't always expect the worst either. And, in certain situations, you should not expect anything. 
Maybe these are ramblings, but finding balance within these thought processes has always been a challenge in my life, and most likely everyone else's. But there are some people who seem to have no regrets. They really do live in the moment. They don't analyze or think about what might happen. They don't worry. They just have fun!
It is these people that I envy the most. That mind set is just not a simple thing for me to achieve. Yet, I envy them. I admire them. I wish I could be them. 
I want to live my life, yet I feel like I haven't even begun. Sure, I have good memories, but I do have regrets. I have fears. I have doubts. This is normal. I'm sure. But unlike me, some people don't let these things become obstacles. Instead, they face that fear. They ignore their negative thoughts. They just go for it! Whatever it is. Maybe one day, I can be like that. 
Speaking your mind is one thing. Actually pursuing something you want is another. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Nine Tailed Wish Chapter 4: The Barbecue

The first thing I noticed was a smell. As we walked through the neighborhood, the smell became stronger. 
"My friend's burgers are the best." Dong-sun said with a smile.
Hana skipped in front of us, and finally stopped at a blue house with a brown roof. The sun was lower  in the sky, making the house look a little intimidating.
It was weird seeing a human's home up close. I had kept a safe distance from them in the past, heeding my mother's warnings and watching the humans come and go from the strange buildings.
This particular building had a tree with small flowers around it, and a swing by the front door. As we walked up the porch steps, Dong-sun rang the door bell and Hana jumped on the swing.
"Coming!" A voice from inside called. "We don't have everything ready yet." 
The door opened to reveal a guy around Dong-Sun's age with a spatula in one hand and the door handle in the other.
"Well hello there." He smiled at me, "Who might you be?"
"Don't start Lee-Hyung." Dong-Sun said. "We thought you might want some help before the Barbecue gets crazy."
"I think I can manage" Lee-Hyung said with a laugh. "But you still haven't introduced me to this lovely girl."
I looked at him strangely. I didn't know that humans found me lovely, or anything for that matter. It was another reminder that humans could see me now.
"Watch out for him." Dong-Sun told me, "He's a bit of a womanizer."
"Is that any way to introduce your friend?" Lee- Hyung said with a frown. "I just know when to appreciate the sight of a pretty girl."
"Like I said," Dong-Sun laughed and led Hana to the door, pushing me in front of him.
"The burgers are out back." Lee-Hyung said as Hana went to the backyard. "Would you like some drinks?"
I wasn't familiar with this situation, and it suddenly dawned on me that I had entered a human's home.  Seeing one from the inside for the first time was a little shocking. My own home was a cave deep in the forest. Mother did have candles, but we slept on animal skins, and we watched the path by our home thouroughly, always worried that someone would threaten to take it. 
The human home was a very different type of burrow. There were windows for one, and a strange fenced in area in the back. While Lee-Hyung brought us glasses of water, he showed me a strange box between a lamp and an armchair.
"You can watch some T.V. while I finish getting everything ready." he said. 
I stared at the box, and waited for something to happen while Dong-Sun went out another door. Eventually I got bored and followed.
"Nothing exciting on?" Lee-Hyung asked me as I walked over to the table and watched Dong-Sun grill the burgers. 
They were made of meat. I was sure of it. But I had never seen meat like this before.
"Have you ever had a hamburger?" Dong-Sun asked me. I shook my head. 
Lee-Hyung set up big bottles of yellow and red around a stack of what appeared to be plates made of paper. I had seen humans eat on plates before, but these were floppy when I picked one up. 
The doorbell rang and Lee-Hyung went to answer it. Hana was blowing bubbles again while twirling in a circle. I watched her giggle, and smiled.
"I was't kidding about Lee-Hyung." Dong-Sun said, sitting beside me, "He really likes to flirt."
"Flirt?" I asked. I wasn't sure I knew what the word meant.
"You mean you didn't notice?" He asked. "That might be a good thing."
As the sun slipped further away from the sky, more humans arrived and soon it was what Dong-Sun called a "party." 
Hana grabbed a hamburger first and I watched her prepare it. I tried to mimick her but I wasn't sure what all the extra stuff was for the meal. 
"These are good with hamburgers." Dong-Sun said as he handed me some thin crunchy potatoes.
I tried them, and he was right. They were surprisingly good with the meat. 
As everybody gathered around the table, Dong-Sun introduced me to a few other humans. One, a girl with a blue dress like mine was named Yu-Na. She talked to me throughout most of the meal, and I smiled and nodded, listening to as much as I could understand.
"I've never seen you around here before." Yu-Na said. 
"I'm new." I said, continuing to pretend I was a normal human. 
I looked over at Hana who was laughing with Dong-Sun and wondered what it was like to live this way. Instead of a burrow, I would have a building. I would prepare food the way humans did and sit outside, watching the sun set.
"Do you know about Dong-Sun?" Yu-Na asked.
I looked at her, unsure of the question. 
"You know that Hana and Dong-Sun live across the street right?" Yu-Na said. "We haven't seen their parents in a while. I think they went on vacation. It's probably difficult for him to take care of Hana huh?'
I watched Hana and Dong-Sun while Lee-Hyung brought a piece of food called cake toward me.
"I thought you should have the first piece." Lee-Hyung said as he handed me the plate and a fork to try the strange food with.
I took a bite, not really liking the taste. It was too sweet, and not made of meat. I hid my disgust with my hand, smiled and said, "Thanks."
As the Barbecue came to a close, Dong-Sun and Hana stayed behind to clean up. I helped clean the tables and pack up the "leftovers". It was another strange thing about humans that I didn't understand. How did they keep their food from going bad the next day?
I watched Lee-Hyung put the packed food in a white box with a giant door. The air was cold when he opened it. 
"Thanks for helping out." Lee-Hyung  said as Hana, Dong-Sun and I stood at the front door. 
"Stay out of trouble."Dong-Sun told him. Hana giggled and ran across the street.
Dong-Sun turned to me. "Do you live around here?"
I nodded.
"I can walk you home."
"Thank you." I told him, "but it's not far from here."
He scratched the back of his head. "Ok then. It was nice meeting you."
"Come again tomorrow!" Hana said as she stood on their front porch. 
"It was nice meeting you too." I said with a smile. I waved as Dong-Sun walked to his house and waited until he shut the door.
Once I was sure he was gone, I raced toward the park and found a nice tree to curl up next to for the night. My first day as a human was over, and with the remaining nine months ahead of me, I was both excited and nervous at the idea of actually becoming a part of the human world.