Truth be told, I haven't had faith much lately.
But I did.
It's similar to that moment when you're a child. When anything is possible. I used to imagine that all kinds of amazing things could happen.
I used to believe in magic.
When I was little, I played this game, similar to Alice's beliveing in impossible things, where I could do anything, and I could be anything.
Maybe that's when my admiration for specific characters started.
I never picked one trait, or one ability. I simply picked a character, and I pretended that I was them.
This was different from dressing up though. I didn't have a costume.
I had long hair, and my hairstyle was Sailor Moon's everyday. I believed that Sailor Moon was an incredible and admirable hero. And I could be just like her.
I would pretend that I had powers, and that a black cat with a moon symbol on her forehead everywhere I went. Sometimes my firends would join in, or we'd roleplay. Disney characters, Sailor Scouts, even Pokemon were our inspiration.
I would fight "battles" in the school yard with my powers, posing just like Sailor Moon and believing that I had the power to conquer anything.
I may not have realized it then, but back when I was a little girl, I had faith in myself. I believed in the impossible, and I enjoyed the challenges that I faced everyday.
Somehow, along the way, as I got older, and faced obstacles, difficult truths, losses, and challenges, I began to tell myself the opposite.
I began to say that I couldn't do things, couldn't be things. I said things like, "I'm not smart enough,"
and "I'm not pretty enough."
Instead of the hero, I became the villian, and I talked myself down for years and years.
I had lost faith, in myself, and in the world around me.
I had put myself in a position where everything felt impossible, and no one could convince me otherwise.
And yes, I believe in God. I prayed, and I waited, but for me, no answer came. I was lost. And worse, it was my own fault.
I had built a barrier and blocked out an important element in my life: faith.
Now, faith doesn't solve your problems, but it is an important part of self confidence.
In order to do something, you must believe that you can. If you don't believe, then you never try. It's a viscious cycle, and it's pretty common in phobia's and depression.
I went to the Disney College Program and I restored some of that faith, but I still doubted, still belittled and at times I even bullied myself out of doing things.
Now, I loved Disney, and I still do. What I loved most about it was the atmosphere, so positive and uplifting. So accepting and inspirational.
When I went to work, I felt like I was doing something, making a difference and helping people do one of the most important things imagianable, finding some magic in their life.
I started writing stories at the Epcot center after work, taking the bus straight there and staying for the fireworks at either Fantasmic or Magic Kingdom.
I started to believe that I had a purpose.
But somehow, that faith in myself and belief in the possiblity of the world dwindled during college and after it. Because I'm stubborn, I haven't given up, but I don't feel that same joy or purpose that I once had.
I'm sure that Disney had a lot to do with it, but it was my mindset too. I wasn't beating myself up anymore. I was trying new things, meeting cool people and finding inspiration. I went through the same pattern in South Korea. At first, I was right back in that rut, but then as I pushed myself to explore the cool places and get out there to meet new people, I discovered that purpose and joy again.
I think I can argue that this year has been a trying time for me, and I've been going back and forth from what I call hopelessness to stubborn optimism.
It hasn't been easy to stay hopeful and to have faith in myself. Many events happened that made me angry and frustrated. There were times that I just wanted to shout "Why!" but, of course, there was no answer.
I am a deep thinker, and I do believe that some things happen for a reason, but I am not sure how I would define faith.
Some would define it as a belief in a higher power, which I have.
Some would say it is a blind trust in the world, which I don't have.
Despite my happy demeanor and my love of Disney, it has been incredibly difficult to trust the world blindly. In many ways, I am terrified to do so.
I've heard success stories from people at TED, and even script writers, actors and musicians. I know that all of them have taken that big step, that blind leap forward and put their faith in the world and themselves.
For some reason, I have been hesitant to do that.
Taking risks is a scary thing, especially in making life decisions that involve money and time.
Risk is something you take everyday just by living.
One of the things I hear people say about the immportant things in life is that there is no guarantee. Yet, people go forward anyway. And maybe faith is what they have.
Maybe they have the faith in themselves to get by. Maybe they have the faith that the world will not slap them in the face or leave them penniless.
Or maybe they are simply brave enough to take the risk.
Faith is a choice to take a risk. we take risks believing that they will work out somehow, or that our time and effort will come to fruition. Faith is believing in the world and yourself. Hoping for the best, and believing in your own ability to get through obstacles. Faith is a gut feeling that it will all be okay. Faiith is a word that represents the courageous act of living. To hope for the best, even during the worst times. To believe that whatever you're going through now will have its value and meaning later.
Faith is to believe that anything is possible.
"Nothing's impossible." - Alice in Wonderland
"Faith is a bluebird
you see from afar
It's for real
and as sure as
the first evening star.
You can't touch it
or buy it
or wrap it up tight
but it's there
just the same
making things
turn out right."
- The Rescuers
