A Distant Star

Rejection is easy 

A simple goodbye. 

It hurts for awhile.

You may even ask why

Acceptance is harder

The slow process of

Connection and Illusion

Deceit and Love

It's harder to trust

It's harder to care

It's harder to get close

and always be there

It's easier to run

It's easier to hide

To ignore the feelings

Trap them inside

Can Love be simple?

Can Love be true?

Does a string of fate

tie me to you?

Will I find the courage

to show my heart

to someone deserving,

caring and smart?

Admiring from a far

Like a distant star

Always dreaming

Always hopeful

Never close enough to scar

Yet the yearning 

and the aching

doesn't go away. 

I wish to find a love

who will cherish me 

and stay

through all of my 

sorrows and confusion. 

My questions and mistakes. 

Someone who won't 

hurt me

and will do 

whatever it takes. 

Who knows I am

a priceless treasure

and not an easy prize

Who cares more for 

my heart

and looks through

my eyes.

One to walk 

the world with

and stand tall 

when all is done.

As I live and learn

I wonder:

will I meet the one?

On Purpose

Do you create purpose, or does purpose create you?

Many stories explain that adversity is an important element to becoming great. Many people choose their dreams and goals based on adversity, but does that adversity give them purpose? We choose things, we make decisions and we strive towards goals. But is it a goal without a purpose? Even the most basic things that you chose, do they create or add meaning to your life?
So what is purpose really? Is is meaning? Is it motivation? Is it just one of those things you don't look for because it inevitably finds you? Or is purpose something you create to define yourself, or define your dream?
Do you choose your purpose, or does your purpose choose you?

The Quarter Life Crisis

 http://www.ludlowandco.com/2012/08/bookaholics-anonymous/


I think I'm going to give this list a try. I've already read a few books on the list, and who knows, maybe I'll learn something about courage and living. I have heard of the quarter life crisis recently and I didn't take it seriously until now. With everything constantly changing and hardly anything familiar around me anymore, I might be going through this process after all.
In many ways, I feel like I'm left behind, especially in my generation, but I know that if I am, it's my fault. I never truly lived . . . and I still have to push myself to try something different or new. It's a constant struggle, but a personal one. No one can help me with this problem except myself. It's my own dragon, and though I have armor, I don't have a sword to defeat it with. My battle has probably only just begun by realizing what's wrong and what I have to do about it. If I continue to ignore it, or distract myself, it will only get worse. Usually things happen for a reason, and now I have to find out the reason I've been this way, and what I can do to prevent myself from staying this way.The goal is to get out there and just allow myself to be. Not to be torn by indecision, racked with worry or swamped with fear. Negativity is a huge part of this, but there's something else as well, some sort of indifference to myself or maybe even other people.
I'm really bad at this, talking without constantly dreading what I say. Every time I vent I just feel like I'm whining and complaining about something I can't do anything about. Most of the problems and worries I drag around with me are issues I can't change. It's up to other people and it's up to life itself in some cases. So I have my armor, but it's extremely heavy, and I still need to make a sword. This is the part where I feel left behind.
It's probably silly, but I feel like most people my age learned how to make their swords already and they have taken another step. One step I can't understand or define, and they are prepared or possibly they have even won their battle. This sword is probably made by taking a step I can't even think of. It might be something so different and so strange to me that I might not recognize it.
Whenever I talk like this, I guess it sounds like I'm saying my life is more difficult than others, but  I don't see it that way. I understand that everyone has problems and everyone deals with them differently.  I'm just trying to learn how to deal with mine.
Maybe the answer will come tomorrow, or maybe years from now it will suddenly be clear what I need to do, but right now, it's just a mess I stare at day after day. This is no way to live, and it's ridiculous that I am my own worst enemy.
Hopefully these stories, written by people years ago, some living and some gone, will teach me that step. Life is a journey, but in order to journey, you must walk on the path. Stopping midway won't get you anywhere.

Heartsong of the week: Midnight Blue by Megumi Hayashibara

 

For some reason, this song describes my writer's block really well, among other general confusions  I have about my future. Questioning everything, always wondering what's next. It's the theme I go by in many stories, but a new format and a different genre can be a challenging project, especially when you have three projects to focus on at once. Maybe not my best decision, but I am not a quitter. I will keep asking these questions until I can answer them, and hopefully I will get three scripts done in the process.

Heartsong of the week: "Where Do I Go From Here?" from Pocohantas II

This song really describes what I'm going through right now. And I've been told that many people my age feel this way. I'm really lost in so many aspects of my life. I push as much as I can to achieve my dreams, but I still don't feel like I know where I belong. I've gone through so much already, and I'm sure that it's just the beginning, but I really need to step up.
 I need to discover what I really want, and just go for it. The reason why I am so lost is because I feel trapped by both the past and the future. They swirl around me and buzz like insects, constantly reminding me that they are there, just waiting for me to fall back on old habits or plunge into the unknown with no protection. Like many people I have known, I refuse to let the past happen again, but I'm also terrified of the future. Is this whining? Yep. And if I know one thing, the world hates whining. But at the same time, this is my blog, and I am trying to actually listen to my heart now, instead of push it away or ignore the fact that it's even there. But I've done that so many times, that it isn't easy to admit this even to my self. With all that I have done, in the past and all that I will do in the future, my goal is to find where I truly belong.
So this is the song in my heart for now, telling me that I need to find the path, and begin my destiny.

Writing Prompt 48: Confusion

Prompt: Close you eyes and write about what immediately pops into your head.

Confusion seems to stalk me. It follows wherever I go, trailing fear, shame and hurt. It becomes a habit: wondering what I should do, who I'm supposed to be. How do I present myself to the world? When everything is falling apart? When I'm on cloud nine? Do I over do it? Do I boast? Do I whine too much? Do I cry enough? Do I ever give myself a break to just be?
Am I selfish? Self centered? Am I a bad person? Am I a good person?
How am I supposed to act? Is it okay if I don't act that way? Do I lie when I'm not okay? How do I avoid being a burden, when I believe I'm a burden?
It's a mess. These questions that buzz in my head. Over and over and over again I ask them. Over and over and over again, I must come up with my own answer.
What should I do? What do I want to do?
Listening to myself has never been easy. But not listening, that's even worse.
In most situations I am on a swing back and forth, not sure which way to go, not really moving, and not trusting either side.

Will I?

A vicious cycle
A winding road
A thing of brilliance
A heavy load

Whatever life is
It's always too fast
A moment forgotten
A connection that won't last

They say to live
from day to day.
Can my mind
work that way?

Can I drop all
the burdens that I bear?
Raise my voice?
Live without a care?

Risk it all
But still be me?
Witness all
that I want to see?

Go somewhere
far away
Pick a place
to write and stay

Rip the past
From under my feet
Wipe out the doubt
Depression and Defeat

Forget the pain
And never shy
From all those moments
that pass you by

Write and write
Read and read
Discover the elements
that I need.

Realize I'm only
as strong as I feel?
Create a world
where happiness is real?

All these questions
boggle my mind
While I say things
cruel and kind.

Will I make my own story
And stop living in fear?
Or will everything pass me
Year after year?

Advice?

 

Leaves change

Seasons pass

Wind blows

Memories last

Stories grow

 People fight

Dark Sky 

Bright Sunlight

I ask

No answer

 Troubled mind

Clumsy Dancer

Is life

a scale

with balance

and time?

Inner Turmoil

Or Chaos

Silent cries

Loud mime

A smile

A frown

A road

A path

An anger

A sadness

A tear

A laugh

What life

can be

is up

to you.

Don't lie

Stay strong 

Take time

Be true

Lost

Where do I belong?
Who should I be?
Is there a place to go
where chaos doesn't follow me?

Where do I belong?
Who should I become?
Why pursue the things
that leave me feeling numb?

How do I decide
what I want to do
when I'm so exhausted,
and depression runs me through?

On a day where the sun is shining,
I don't see the silver lining.
A pessimist is what I've become.
So disappointed,
and so numb.

Where do I belong?
What can I do to see
the things I want,
the things I love,
the things that I can be?