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Monday, March 11, 2013

The Quarter Life Crisis

I think I'm going to give this list a try. I've already read a few books on the list, and who knows, maybe I'll learn something about courage and living. I have heard of the quarter life crisis recently and I didn't take it seriously until now. With everything constantly changing and hardly anything familiar around me anymore, I might be going through this process after all.
In many ways, I feel like I'm left behind, especially in my generation, but I know that if I am, it's my fault. I never truly lived . . . and I still have to push myself to try something different or new. It's a constant struggle, but a personal one. No one can help me with this problem except myself. It's my own dragon, and though I have armor, I don't have a sword to defeat it with. My battle has probably only just begun by realizing what's wrong and what I have to do about it. If I continue to ignore it, or distract myself, it will only get worse. Usually things happen for a reason, and now I have to find out the reason I've been this way, and what I can do to prevent myself from staying this way.The goal is to get out there and just allow myself to be. Not to be torn by indecision, racked with worry or swamped with fear. Negativity is a huge part of this, but there's something else as well, some sort of indifference to myself or maybe even other people.
I'm really bad at this, talking without constantly dreading what I say. Every time I vent I just feel like I'm whining and complaining about something I can't do anything about. Most of the problems and worries I drag around with me are issues I can't change. It's up to other people and it's up to life itself in some cases. So I have my armor, but it's extremely heavy, and I still need to make a sword. This is the part where I feel left behind.
It's probably silly, but I feel like most people my age learned how to make their swords already and they have taken another step. One step I can't understand or define, and they are prepared or possibly they have even won their battle. This sword is probably made by taking a step I can't even think of. It might be something so different and so strange to me that I might not recognize it.
Whenever I talk like this, I guess it sounds like I'm saying my life is more difficult than others, but  I don't see it that way. I understand that everyone has problems and everyone deals with them differently.  I'm just trying to learn how to deal with mine.
Maybe the answer will come tomorrow, or maybe years from now it will suddenly be clear what I need to do, but right now, it's just a mess I stare at day after day. This is no way to live, and it's ridiculous that I am my own worst enemy.
Hopefully these stories, written by people years ago, some living and some gone, will teach me that step. Life is a journey, but in order to journey, you must walk on the path. Stopping midway won't get you anywhere.

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