Serious

Prompt: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?

The one thing I would change about myself is how serious I am. I'm always on my guard, at work, at home and of course every where else.  I know it is a choice I made long ago. I decided to always be on my guard, decided to be serious. It's an unconscious shield. It goes up during the slightest hint of chaos or change.  It's the one thing that people probably don't like about my personality. But I will admit that I do have times where I wish I could live in the moment.
Worrying is a curse, and it's almost a default of mine.
I isolate myself due to worry, anger, sadness and pain. It's my fault I know, and I also know that it drives people crazy.
I think too much, and I'm always in my own world. So if I could change something about myself, I'd let go of this shield. I might regret doing that currently. Maybe now isn't the time to be selfish, do what I actually want to do, or forget for a while the role I have forced myself to believe I must act in.
It's not something I'm used to. Letting go.
But maybe if I did, I'd have more fun. I'd be able to function in a normal setting without acting abnormal. Would I be more confident? More strong? Would I know that life is meant to be lived? Would I understand that worry is a giant boulder you put on your own shoulders. Would I be able to make the climb for what I want.
I do hold on to dreams, so maybe that's a step in the right direction. I don't want to be isolated. I don't want to be in pain, or sad constantly. Honestly . . . who does?
The truth is, I'm terrified to let go, and jump into the unknown.
Luckily I have two great friends that do their best to make sure I join in on the fun :)