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Thursday, August 1, 2013

On fear and life

It's funny how fear can prevent you from living. The fear of dying. The fear of getting hurt. The fear of being alone. Even the fear of public speaking has made people terrified to make their voice known.
But the thing about fear is that it's a self made cage.
If you're always afraid of something, will you ever believe you can overcome it? If you always worry about the end of something, have you ever truly begun? If you focus on the negative outcome, can you enjoy the positive outcome? If you never trust anyone, can you truly appreciate those that you can trust?
What is living anyway? Many people have their own definitions of it, and even the media presents life in a way where if you're not doing something others expect of you, you feel pressured to do so.
So how do you stop something that you started? Can you truly rise above your fear and begin to learn about what you CAN do?
Fear often stops people from appreciating wonderful moments in life.
Instead of being proud that they spoke out in front of others, some people build up the moment in their head, and waste most of their day before the speech with worry, doubt and of course fear.
I do this. All the time. When I'm not worrying about a negative outcome, I'm focused on everything I could have fixed or changed. When I'm not doing that, I'm on the defense, always ready with my shield if a dragon comes along to burn me to a crisp. Dragons have a different definition to me than most people. Some of the dragons I watch out for are miracles to others. Some of them don't even appear frightening or threatening to people. Especially my own generation it seems.
It's times like these, when I realize how painfully strange I can be within people of my own age group, that I feel lonely and sad.
Every now and then, I fantasize that I am just like them. Not facing any of the fears that I have. Not worrying about all the lame things I worry about.
So I have to make a decision, where I am fighting my own mind.
Is it really that scary?
Do I even have time or energy to waste on this?
And how much have I wasted already?
Even these questions frustrate me to the point where I feel like I've wasted my life. A life that many people tell me has only just begun.
Maybe it's selfish, but I feel like I haven't experienced the same things that most people have already.
I have a whole list of "normal" every day and every life occurrences that I have never done.
So I feel so strange, listening to people my age talk about things that I don't even know about. Some people tell me I'm not missing much. Others tell me that I need to start living.
It hurts, hearing that.
Start living. As if I haven't done anything to be proud of. I have nothing to brag about at family reunions that matters to most people. Nothing to say about middle school or high school.  Nothing!
But I have my writing. My memories with friends and family. My songs. My goals and dreams.
I guess this is what you would call career minded, but it's not always what it's cracked up to be. Apparently people have told me this is true of relationships as well.
Not all it's cracked up to be. Isn't everything that way? Nothing goes exactly the way you expect it to. That's life? Right?

So I write to put my voice out there. I read to learn more about the world. I sing for the pure enjoyment of singing. And I observe to learn more about life. What it really is, and what really matters as I live it. Maybe this understanding of what really matters, and what I have done will help me overcome the fear that prevents me from adding things to the list. If I've truly never lived my life, then maybe I should start living. Whatever that means.

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