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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Am I truly myself?

Prompt: Write about a question that looms on your mind right now.

It's a question I have asked myself for years and years with still no answer. Am I truly myself? The thing is I used to be sociable back in elementary school. I used to do things with people down the street like play Pokemon cards and visit the park. I used to smile and laugh about ten times more than I truly do today. I may sound depressed, but I'm really just confused and lost. Singing was my way to escape the pain in my middle school years. I would take a semester without choir and my parents would immediately tell me to get back in choir again. I haven't done choir in years. The Disney College Program changed the miserable and dysfunctional me into a person with purpose. I had a reason to do things and more motivation to learn. Now I'm just completely stuck and don't know where to go. Reading, Writing and playing video games only do so much for me now. I see people socializing on campus and I realize that maybe I should be out there too, some how. The thing is, the wall that I built may not be there as much as it used to be, but the lack of motivation still is. So maybe I've answered my question already. Am I truly myself? No. I'm not. It's a weird dilemma. I'm not afraid of what people think of me in class or the way I dress or act. I'm not exactly super shy either. I voice my opinion when I need to and I stick up for myself with a lot more gumption than I could even muster in High School and Middle School. So what's the problem? I have already discussed this strange dilemma with many people, and I still haven't come up with an answer. If I feel I should be doing things, when I'm not doing anything, am I truly myself? Have I allowed myself to even determine the way I live? The largest question in my mind right now is, "Am I truly myself?". So if I'm not myself and I'm not doing things I want to do, then who am I? I can't stay stuck in this state for the rest of my life. I refuse to let the past completely take over, but I still don't know how I can change my mind set to something more positive and uplifting.
If I could describe this feeling, I would explain the sensation of having a rug yanked from your your feet without warning. It's obvious that without support you will fall. But the problem is, I'm doing the worst thing I can do. I'm not truly supporting myself. This is probably something that everyone goes through, and everyone has a different way to deal with it or even solve the problem. This question is stuck in my head and I have no choice but to deal with it. I can only keep trying until I learn the one thing that will motivate me to step from the shadows and into the real world.

1 comment:

  1. In response to such an introspective question, I feel I must ask another. Are you ever truly yourself? How would you know? Would a little light come on under the "me" label?? Is there a feeling you're looking for? Is there a magic moment that should happen? Or is it all just part of life? How you define yourself changes constantly. From hour to hour, friend to friend, we switch masks and we switch beliefs. Not major ones, but you act differently around your mom than you do around me or around a classmate. Does that mean you're not yourself? Or perhaps that the "self" is not a finite thing that one can "be" or "not be". I don't believe there is an on/off switch to being yourself... Perhaps you could do something that's out of character, but are you any less yourself for having done it? So maybe you can be more social, or you can stay inside and game. Whether or not you NEED to, no one can say. Your life will continue, no matter the path you choose. You will change as a person. Things that used to be your daily light will cease to satisfy. Does that mean what you're doing is wrong? Not necessarily. Maybe you need to broaden your horizons and try something new. Or simply accept and enjoy who you are :) --The hypocrite