A moment of triumph

I had had enough! Two girls, possibly high school age, had talked pretty much the whole movie. You would think that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1 would be a film that the audience would appreciate enough to go silent. At the time, I had mulled over in my head just how sick I was of people walking all over me, and the fact I kept quiet while I was boiling inside. It started with a side glare, directed straight at the girls who sat behind me. Did they notice? Of course not. They were clearly the only people in the theater, the way they giggled about some hot guy in their class and whispered so loud it didn't even count as whispering anymore. Why had no one said anything? I could tell that I wasn't the only one annoyed. Everyone around these two gave glare after glare, but it never passed through their selfish radar. My friends had also provided some glares of their own, and even rolled their eyes and clenched their fists. That was it! I turned around, looked straight at them and said "So are you going to watch the movie, or talk the whole time?"
They turned to me, said sorry nonchalantly and gave me a look that said, how dare you interrupt our conversation. Thankfully, realizing how rude and completely self centered they had been, the girls were quiet for the rest of the film. It had been a long time since I had said what was on my mind. I must admit I was proud that I had finally showed some guts to say what I felt without being afraid of the outcome. Although that moment may be forgotten by many people involved, I will remember it as a moment of triumph after a long period of silence.

Untitled

Thoughts fly
through time and space
How many times
have I been to this place?
Lost in a spiral of
stories and myth
I'm constantly waiting,
wondering what if?
What if I was brave?
What if I was true?
If I had the answers
I would know what to do
Emotions a puzzle
Laughter a rhyme
How do I measure
a moment in time?

When the moon is full
And the door is found
Five sisters walk down a staircase
Where water meets the ground
A frog prince and friend
Visit the wild wood
Until the night's end
Privileged to dance
Among fay and legend
Story and myth
Instinct and thought
Their fate is decided
Through wisdom of heart

A cool quote

While reading the book We by Yevgeny Zamyatin, I read a really cool quote:
"All of our life, in it's entire complexity and beauty, has been engraved forever in the gold of words."

This quote describes the beauty of writing, and re-experiencing life through every type of writing you can imagine. I just thought I'd share it.

Something Blue 15

It is a blue notebook. In it, I record my secrets, emotions and dreams. All of these are disguised as stories, poems, and quotes. Sometimes the color reflects my mood. Blue for calmness, sadness, serenity. The thoughts flow like a stream of memories and feelings. Mentions of magic and courage fill the pages, and a small circle in the corner of the page marks when I ran out of ink. Small details and generalizations. Lists of favorite movies, books, TV shows and childhood memories. The result of music and quiet also appears in my notebook every so often. Every once in a while a grocery list appears, next to a description of a room or craft. Absolutely no homework assignments are allowed in this notebook, ever. It is strictly based on my life and creativity alone. In this book, I learn more about myself and others around me with every word I write. It is filled to the brim with my own mythologies, magic and music lyrics. It's not a diary. It's not a journal. It is simply a book of recordings in fact and fiction.

The Once and Future Royals :)

Just a little bit of Arthur and Gwen for the day. I really love this quote from Once and Future Queen, and I think it applies to the theme of the relationship in the series.

Writing Prompt 9

prompt: Find a photo album, pick out photo 14 and write about all the things you felt at that moment.

It was one of those lazy, rainy days. I had just finished my shift at Animal Kingdom and decided to spend the rest of the day in Epcot. I had never seen Epcot in the rain before. It felt like I was walking in another town far from Florida. Passing through Mexico, I finally decided to write. With so much inspiration flooding through the park, Epcot was similar to a walk around the world. People rushed by with umbrellas, ate crepes and watched the rain fall near the gondola. It was a picturesque scene, and I had brought my camera, so I had to take a picture. I saw Italy in the distance, surprised that the park seemed to be less crowded than usual. These were the best days for cast members to take advantage of. When the regular guests were indoors and hiding from rain, or worried about the clouds, a cast member would take that moment to reflect and take advantage of the opportunity. I was having a moment just now, although I wasn't in costume or on the clock. I did my usual round around the park; grabbing an iced peach Oolong tea in Japan, a crepe in France, and a small meal of sesame chicken in China. Then I sat down in Italy and pulled out a notebook and pen. After a long day of work, a nice break from the daily routine was a comfort. I started writing and ended up finishing a prologue about a girl named Claire, forced to work for a duchess in renaissance Italy. As the words flowed on the page, a drop of rain hit the paper. I watched the umbrellas appear on the long stretch between Italy, Morocco and France. 'Time to go inside' I thought to myself. I was sure the hand made crafts and art works in the gift shop would add to the atmosphere of my story.

Hershey Park

(picture courtesy of http://www.destination360.com/north-america/us/pennsylvania/hershey-park)
It was the middle of a hot and humid day. Mom and I decided to go to Hershey Park for the day. We started at the chocolate factory and received free Hershey bars at the end of the tour. After leaving the tour, Mom and I walked into a themed village next to a few big roller coasters. The first ride was similar to a ski lift. Mom and I watched the crazy coasters zoom past our slow moving lift. The idea was to see the entire park, but that was impossible. The park stretched in five themed lands, including a zoo. Mom decided the zoo would be a good place too start. A water show with sea lions was placed by the zoo entrance. We watched the sea lions flip through hoops and dance. Our next stop was the wolf exhibit where we bought my brother a stuffed animal wolf. But the big event was when Mom finally agreed to go on a big roller coaster, The Comet. The ride went so fast Mom and I could barely hear ourselves scream. I will never forget that day. Even though the ride was a bit much for both of us. It was a fun and memorable moment.

A few good quotes

I just finished watching some Tsubasa Chronicle anime, so I thought I would share some powerful and memorable quotes ^_^

"Lives that are lost can not be brought back. That is why living is wonderful and life is precious" Tsubasa Chronicle

"Kurogane: For all my life... I've wanted strength. I didn't want those things precious to me to be taken away from me anymore. But, to have strength means to invite disaster to come to you. And strength alone can't really protect you."

"Sincerity and Determination. . . No matter what a person wants to attempt, those are needed." Yuuko

"There's a certain strength that's needed to be able to cry when you should." Fai

"Those who claim to have no wish for themselves do not know the depths of their own hearts."Ashura

"If there's something that you can accomplish if you try, then the thing you do is try." Tsubasa Chronicle

The Truth

I learned a very important lesson today. I have been told by a reliable source that my writing is "pastel leaves". It is flowery and not straight forward. This is true. I have been harboring some deep anger and chaotic sadness. These emotions were not only hidden in my writing, but I have hid them from myself. Until today, I have not acknowledged these feelings for years. The truth is, I'm confused, angry and lost. I have not forgiven myself for running away from an intimate relationship and a responsibility. I have a fear of intimacy mainly because I use negative expectations to shield myself from scary social situations. This is a big step for me. It isn't that I haven't been honest on my blog. It is more the fact that not even I wanted to deal with these emotions and that showed in my writing. Currently, I'm grateful for what I have. While driving home today, I really thought about the decisions I have made and what I have done to deal with myself. The truth is, I haven't been willing to deal with myself. Unfortunately, this frustration can be projected on the people I am around. I find myself jealous of the type of person who walks through life with a happy perspective. Not only that, but I envy those who pursue their dreams and live them currently. I also become quite frustrated that I have not achieved any of this. Sure, by going to college I am working toward my dreams to become an author, but I'm still not doing things that make me happy. Mainly, I'm talking about singing. I miss singing so much that I build up negative criticisms of my singing voice. This horrible habit is a coping mechanism I have used for years.
I used to tell myself that having these issues was a sign of failure. By not being able to deal with situations, I had no right to live them. A boyfriend, for example, or a career involved in singing. Here's the trick though, I love reading about relationships and I admire characters who pursue their dreams. (AKA My love of Disney is based on this exact practice of observing life). So the bottom line of me not dealing with myself is actually simple. I have hidden behind a wall of negativity. This wall has been mentioned before and can be viewed as yet another bad coping mechanism.
The point is, I build all the negative outcomes of one situation in my head, and these outcomes are either proven to be true, or I am shocked by something positive happening to me. So I had a long talk with my mother on the phone today about why I do this. There are many answers to this question. Fear is a big motivator, but pain can also be an important tool. I mix these two elements together and completely warp the actual events or even the real world. So, this is the truth. Just by writing this down I feel like I have achieved a small step in the right direction. So the truth is, when I'm smiling or laughing and it doesn't reach my eyes, or if I look away when I'm in a situation, I am afraid and defensive. I'm also possibly angry and maybe even jealous of the people around me.
Years ago I would have never been able to admit this. You could say it's negative, but I also have a different perspective. Usually when someone is jealous, they can see themselves in whatever situation they are jealous of. So even if I told myself I don't deserve a boyfriend or a singing career, a small part of me does believe that I can achieve it. That alone gives me hope. A vicious cycle of negativity is incredibly hard to break, especially when you are your own source of misery. But, with the right attitude and an open mind, maybe I could make that small part of me, who sees this as a possibility, grow stronger and more powerful until I actually get what I truly want. Once that part gets stronger, I will be able to deal with who I am and the decisions I have made. So, there's the truth. It's not pretty, but it is useful. Do I accept this? Yes and no. I acknowledge these issues, but I still can't forgive myself. I write this, hoping that one day, I will. And more importantly, by doing so I will finally feel like I am living and not just surviving.

BEASTLY!

I absolutely loved this book and I think it will make a great movie!

Things to do when you're sad:

1. Make a list of things you like about yourself
2. Indulge in some cake or chocolate
3. Take a walk outside on a sunny day
4. Write
5. Sing
6. Exercise
7. Shop (be careful with this one)
8. Do some chores
9. Clean
10. Get dressed up
11.Watch your favorite movie
12. Pick a place and go somewhere
13. Eat something healthy
14. Remember who you are

Something Blue 14

A blue poem

How dare you
Rip a hole in my life
And leave me to fill it
How could I
Have you let you so close
And then feel the burn
From running away
Now I'm stuck
Wondering how to deal
Wondering what is real
And all the while
Wondering if you're okay
Trapped in this pattern
I'm feeling so blue
And so tired
I'm so confused
The only way I can deal
Is to blame this on you
Why can't I be strong?
And learn from the things
I've done wrong?
What's wrong with wasting time
When you are afraid to climb
That big mountain
That giant fear
That quiet dread
Of being alone here
What is strength?
When you can't even stand
What is love?
When it's all a demand
I have to do something
To lift this sadness
I can't continue
With this madness
They say broken hearts
Can heal with time
So if that is true
Why can't mine?
Is something unresolved in me?
To be the way I used to be
I'm tired of being blue
I can't help myself
I have to blame you

Nature

Cruel but kind
Oblivious, yet aware
The warmth of a smile
The ice of a stare
The wind that slaps
Cold air in your face
The memories that fade
Never leaving a trace
The rain that falls
Like tears in the night
The fear of a failure
The triumph
Influenced through might
The snow that clutters
Grass and cement
A twisted past
Broken and bent
Through all these things
Hope can be found
As long as you know
You should make a sound

Writing Prompt 8

Prompt: Choose your favorite book. Then, write a first-person narrative from the viewpoint of a minor character.



She was at it again. You wouldn't expect my older sister to freak out if you had known the way she acted a few weeks ago.
We were on our way home from Dancing Glade and neither Tati nor Jena wanted to go. Tati was wrapped up with her new found love Sorrow, while Jena looked around frantically for Gogu. Gogu is her pet frog, and all of us had decided to accept the way Jena talked with him and acted as though the frog was human.
For example, when Gogu jumped on the table while Cezar went on one of his rants, just after father left, Jena stared at the creature like she had been slapped. The interesting thing about Gogu was how welcome he was at Dancing Glade. All our other world friends called him "young master" and "your lordship". To be honest I thought that was cute.
Unfortunately I have a long way to go. While Tati and Jena absorb themselves in personal problems, the rest of us sisters must keep things normal around Piscal Draculai. Being thirteen can make this a little difficult.
First is Tati, the eldest just turned sixteen. She used to talk and laugh with us, but now she seems off in her own dream world. Then there's Jena. Jena has always been father's favorite and she seems the most responsible of all of us. The way she acts, you wouldn't guess that she is fifteen. She takes care of father's business and now she seems to take care of us more than Tati. It is a shock when Jena freaks out. She never freaks out. After Tati and Jena comes Iulia who just turned thirteen. She's ready to be a teenager. I'm next and considered the scholar of the family. My name is Paula. I go to dancing glade for different reasons than my sisters. While they dance, I enjoy a good debate with astronomers and the fay folk. My youngest sister, Stela makes flower chains with fairies and always follows the basic rules: No drink or food, no straying on the path and always leave when we have to go.
Jena was not obeying this rule at the moment. She asked everyone left and right about Gogu while the rest of us tried to find him by the boats. The rest of us except Tati, too occupied with Sorrow. It was times like these I felt blessed to be sensible.
"Let's go". I told Jena while she argued with Tati about leaving. Finally, we all went to the boats and made our way across the in-between, the portal from their world to ours. I glanced at Jena and wished I hadn't. Never had my sister looked more miserable. By the time I get to the dock, Jena and Tati are arguing again. Now my sisters were scaring me. Tati refused to leave Sorrow while Jena screamed for her to join us at the door. Then, a peculiar things happened. While they argued, Jena stopped and looked in the direction of a small and fast moving object.
"Gogu!" She screamed.
"The portal is closing." I reminded both of them.
As we put our hands on the door, a silent and strange understanding passed between Tati and Jena. All I could do was watch and wonder why both of them acted as though the world would end when they separated from their friends. Jena's case was more strange than Tati's but I couldn't help noticing the same tie between Tati and Sorrow, with Jena and Gogu. By the end of that night, I felt like Jena had abandoned me from the side of reason into the bizarre world of emotion.

The big drop

(picture courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevkev44/3355598468/)

"Are you ready to face your fear today?" Sidney's voice was so high pitched that I could hear her smiling over my cell phone.
I had just finished my shift at Animal Kingdom and was about to head home when my phone rang.
"My shift ends in a few minutes. You should come over to base and then we can head to the park."
She meant Magic Kingdom where my least favorite ride towered above Frontierland. When I arrive at Sidney's work base, I am greeted by Nick and Andrew. Both of whom I had constant teasing from on keeping my food carts clean.
"You don't like Splash Mountain?" Nick asks with a grin.
I roll my eyes. Now I had to go through with this, or Nick and Sidney would never let me hear the end of it.
In ten to twenty minutes, we are ready to go and pile in Sidney's car for the adventure.
Magic Kingdom looks very busy as people gathered for the fire work show. Sidney, unlike the crowd, takes a direct path towards the cliff of Splash Mountain.
"Can't turn back now" she laughed.
I try to hide my gulp of fear and walk toward the empty ride line. Of course no one is here, the fireworks will be starting soon. I had hoped more people had the same idea, but the line is completely empty.
"Ready?" a cheerful cast member straps us in. Sidney and Andrew take the front of the log while Nick and I take the row behind. I count my blessings. I would not have been able to handle this ride in the very front.
"I apologize for my screams in advance" I tel Nick while he laughes.
"It's not that bad" he responds.
"I'm not joking."
"I have a trick that will distract you." Sidney says from the front.
"What is it?"
Nick shook his head while Andrew and Sidney laugh.
I sigh and try to enjoy the story of Brer Rabbit while I avoid thinking of the big drop that was clearly coming.
At one point, the ride slowes to a curve, revealing a scenic view of the Cinderella castle, all lit up and sparkling with the beginning of the fireworks show.
"That's pretty" I smile. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.
"It's high don't you think?" Nick asks, clearly waiting for my reaction.
"I'm not afraid of heights" I say defensively, "It's just the drop."
"Well it's awhile before that drop so just enjoy it" Andrew says.
"Ok fine."
I try to pay attention to the effects of the ride, until the ominous hill greets me with two vultures.
"I hate this part too." I tell Nick.
"Why?"
"Because they're telling you it's too late and you can't turn back. As if we don't know that."
"Ah here it is" Sideny smiles "Ready for your distraction?"
"Absolutely!"
Sidney points at the opening of the cave where a silhouette of Mickey makes itself known.
"That's so cool." I say without realizing we just reached the top of the cliff.
The drop hits my stomach like a cold hard rock.
My scream is the only horrified sound compared to all my friends' laughter.
I turn to Nick and say, "Fine you win."
Everyone laughs and Sidney promises me a free ice-cream.
"You don't regret that do you?"
At that moment, my answer was yes. It was embarrassing showing a weakness in front of my friends. As I think on it now, I don't regret that moment.
I had accomplished a great feat and proved that I could face my fear.

Fate or Chance?

Is fate real
Or just a chance
A random story
Or structured dance
Planned or chosen
Assigned or created
Will these questions
Ever be outdated?
Maybe the answer
Will never be found
And the cycle of life
Will always go around

Interesting Things

So I'm currently in a class called The Writer as a Witness. We have some interesting homework. Every day we must write six interesting things that happened. As simple as that sounds, it is not an easy task. The teacher explained that this exercise will help us realize how aware we are of our surroundings. In doing this for five days, I have realized I am one of those people who float through life unless I notice something that sparks my interest.
When we first got this assignment I was a little annoyed. I thought to myself 'there's nothing interesting going on'. Well I was wrong. The past few days I have realized I'm surrounded by interesting things. Conversations and events that happen to me on a daily basis can actually spark some interesting and funny stories. Like the friendly bantering of my roommates or the fact I live in the mountains where my dad throws snow balls at squirrels who annoy him. Once you start writing down things that interest you, whether they are happy, sad, annoying or just plain odd, you kind of understand what you have to work with. In fact, just these little details can bring out some reality in stories. So I will be writing six interesting things a day this entire semester. I'm sure some of these things may spark a story.

Life doesn't happen to you

Life doesn't happen to you
You choose to live
The choices you make
The insight you give
Regardless of happenstance
It will go on
Whether you feel like
A queen or a pawn
When you feel angry
Or happy, or sad
The emotions mark a meaning
For experiences you had
Each moment is important
To help you grow
For what is life
Without all you know?

Am I truly myself?

Prompt: Write about a question that looms on your mind right now.

It's a question I have asked myself for years and years with still no answer. Am I truly myself? The thing is I used to be sociable back in elementary school. I used to do things with people down the street like play Pokemon cards and visit the park. I used to smile and laugh about ten times more than I truly do today. I may sound depressed, but I'm really just confused and lost. Singing was my way to escape the pain in my middle school years. I would take a semester without choir and my parents would immediately tell me to get back in choir again. I haven't done choir in years. The Disney College Program changed the miserable and dysfunctional me into a person with purpose. I had a reason to do things and more motivation to learn. Now I'm just completely stuck and don't know where to go. Reading, Writing and playing video games only do so much for me now. I see people socializing on campus and I realize that maybe I should be out there too, some how. The thing is, the wall that I built may not be there as much as it used to be, but the lack of motivation still is. So maybe I've answered my question already. Am I truly myself? No. I'm not. It's a weird dilemma. I'm not afraid of what people think of me in class or the way I dress or act. I'm not exactly super shy either. I voice my opinion when I need to and I stick up for myself with a lot more gumption than I could even muster in High School and Middle School. So what's the problem? I have already discussed this strange dilemma with many people, and I still haven't come up with an answer. If I feel I should be doing things, when I'm not doing anything, am I truly myself? Have I allowed myself to even determine the way I live? The largest question in my mind right now is, "Am I truly myself?". So if I'm not myself and I'm not doing things I want to do, then who am I? I can't stay stuck in this state for the rest of my life. I refuse to let the past completely take over, but I still don't know how I can change my mind set to something more positive and uplifting.
If I could describe this feeling, I would explain the sensation of having a rug yanked from your your feet without warning. It's obvious that without support you will fall. But the problem is, I'm doing the worst thing I can do. I'm not truly supporting myself. This is probably something that everyone goes through, and everyone has a different way to deal with it or even solve the problem. This question is stuck in my head and I have no choice but to deal with it. I can only keep trying until I learn the one thing that will motivate me to step from the shadows and into the real world.

A Writer Records:

The leaves that fall
The stars that shine
The emotion in music
The question of the divine
The beauty in life
The calmness of silence
The chaos of noise
The humanity of people
The importance of courage
The lesson of maturity
The value in small things
Details

Something Blue 13

The icy blue sky
Brightens the white
Of long fallen snow
Descending at night
Mountains are seen
Faded through haze
As ice melts
And wind blows
Winter leaves for awhile
And the bright color grows

Moment Mondays: Moment One

It was the most beautiful time to be in Animal Kingdom. With only the cast members in the park, the quiet atmosphere made the work area a place of scenic mystery. My favorite place to walk was along the path where my Ice Cream cart faced the Thai Bus and Mt. Everest. With the attraction all lit up and the lanterns winking on one by one, I would slowly make my way back to the work base. First I had to cross the bridge once I came to the crossroads between the tree of life, Asia and Africa. Ladybug lanterns lit the way down the trail and a soft, warm mist hovered in the air. Themed music echoed in the distance while the cart rolled past the giant gate which featured carvings of Lions, Giraffes and Zebras. Hidden Mickeys also occupied the road as I reached the main Village. Each building was covered with bright colored patterns of animals. Even the Tree of life was lit by bright spotlights. I will never forget those late night walks. With barely anyone around, the journey was an inspirational step in a forest far from the streets of Florida.

(photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/karonf/4054992689/)

Moments

I went to church tonight and the sermon caught my interest. The theme involved living life and cherishing moments. The priest explained that there are truly sacred moments in everyone's life. Moments of pure joy, happiness and calm are irreplaceable and very important. This gave me an idea. When I worked for Disney, many guests encountered "magical moments" depending on the occasion. I really enjoyed creating some magical moments and I experienced a few of these moments myself. Since I have been in a slump lately, it might be a good idea to remind myself of these times. So I have decided to start off my new college semester with "Moment Mondays". Because Monday is the most disliked day of the week for the majority of the population, it may be the perfect opportunity to recall the beauty in life or the joy in those small moments. It could be anything from seeing a sunrise to getting a solo. The most important thing about these memories is the meaning they convey. As long as the event holds a special significance to you, the memory may be as valuable as a treasure.
Good memories and moments can motivate someone to really live. If you're always focused on the bad times or the sad memories, those moments become a definition of life. Even though the bad times are important and define who we are, the good times are also just as important. When you remember a positive feeling or event, that moment defines a small part of your self. Just as a negative trait can be revealed in harsh times, the positive traits are revealed during good times. Both of these types of memories define the person you are today.
As the sermon went on, the priest also explained that once you realize that your memories define who you are, you can understand how you function in life. Choices made and lessons learned become subconscious knowledge that guides you to live in the present. In the same manner, the sacred moments and powerful memories remind you of what you wish to achieve. A great example of good memories actually occurs in the third book and movie of the Harry Potter series. In The Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry must face his fear, the Dementor. In order to defeat the Dementor, he must think of a powerful memory, bright enough to ban the darkness. Only through this powerful state of mind can Harry face his fears.
It is a test that everyone must pass in dark times and truly meaningful memories have the power to shape who you will become by never forgetting who you are.

Memories and Lightwaves

Sometimes music just says it all. In Mythology class, we talked about the way some songs or pieces of music reach us so powerfully that we never get tired of it. This is such a piece of music for me. It just describes everything from a calming breeze to a powerful storm. This piece was written for the game Final Fantasy X 2 by Noriko Matsueda and Takahito Eguchi.
Music is all about emotion, and the emotion in this piece seems to be a mixture of many different emotions. It goes from a quiet calmness to a building crescendo of happiness and determination. I don't know why this music speaks to me so powerfully, but I suppose sometimes it is good to have a connection with emotion through art. What kind of music or song stays with you and inspires you?

Furuba Love

Tohru says this in the eighth book of Fruits Basket. I just thought the quote was appropriate given the circumstances for the story. This is just a mesh of wallpapers and a quote from the series. Fruits Basket will always be my favorite Anime and Manga!I might do a series of these for fun.