It's hard to admit that you can only do what you can. It's even harder to admit that when you look back, you realize you didn't try as hard as you should have. It's like this hike you said you would do for weeks. You don't only pack the good stuff to keep you going, you pack the junk food, the negative thoughts, and the painful memories. You may not even prepare for the storms or get enough experience to do this hike, yet you trudge on regardless of all these things. You know what drives you forward, but it always seems that you are going back, never reaching that rest stop atop the hill and always seeming to start right back at the bottom again. Interpret this how you will, but this is about life. Challenges and Obstacles bar your path, keeping you from reaching that goal, to get to the top and look at all you've accomplished. You stare at this situation and analyze it for weeks, months, years to see if you can find the way to reach the top. This same pattern follows you and sticks in different situations, but they all lead to the negative perspective.
During your darkest days and your stormiest nights you sit there and tell yourself, "I'm never going to make it."
But on your brightest days and clear starry nights you smile and say, "I can do this. I can reach that goal."
Is life always on this unbalanced scale? Is there always a completely negative and a completely positive perspective? What about a middle ground? Would it work to say, "What happens will happen." or "That is that." Or maybe you could say, "That's life".
is it wrong to put the blame on yourself? Is it wrong to worry? Is it wrong to refuse to take the blame? Is it wrong to try and fail to help every single solitary time you want to make a difference? As you hike up this mountain and start to unpack the junk food (maybe you eat it or maybe you throw it away) Does the hike become easier?
There could be a violent storm with harsh winds and heavy rain. You'd need a tent wouldn't you? A small safe place from the world outside. A small bit of order to chaos. A tiny glimpse of hope. Could that hope be anything? Could it be something from the outside world or the inside world? Is this really something you "pull up your boot straps and deal with?"
So you start to put up this tent, and at first it looks good, and you feel safe. Then the tent becomes a prison, and you'd rather be in the storm of reality than the calm of fantasy. You'd rather do something, anything but pretend it doesn't exist or simply refuse to call it life. Before you ask, no there is no elevator and no ski lift to take you to the top. You MUST walk or run, but keep in mind that running only goes so long before you tire out. And you only have a certain amount of provisions in your backpack. So how do you get to the top?
Some would say positive thinking. Okay, sure so let's see I'm in a storm. . . in a tent. . . I can't stand the tent. . . I feel like I'm not moving. . . but at least it's not a hurricane.
Some would say that you deal with it. Okay so living in the present. . . trying to do things. . . isn't dealing with it?
Maybe the key is to accept it. Maybe you have to tell yourself, "I got myself in this mess,and I can get myself out of it."
You already know this won't be easy, but let's be honest. There are days where you just want it to be easy. You just want to stand in a valley on a beautiful clear day, but instead you're hiking a mountain and slipping, stumbling back down a few miles every time you walk a few. There are days where you search for that middle ground, the order in the chaos. Because you're exhausted and want to take a nap. The question is should you take a nap when you could be walking a little further? Should you rest or push on? How long can you live in a fantasy before it destroys you? The tent (wall) and the mountain are now your obstacles to face. You must find the courage and you must believe you can conquer these feats. . . somehow.
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