I took a walk today. I tried to listen instead of think. I tried to clear my head as I watched the people walk by or walk past me. I tried to focus as the wind whipped around and shoved my hair in my face.
It was sunset again, and I was just following a daily routine, but I felt guilty.
You see, I am not exactly content with anything in life right now, and I feel like I have a lot of work to do. This feeling started right after college, and grew to become a horrible habit that turned into a daily practice.
Maybe I'm too hard on myself, or maybe I really am not trying hard enough to find where I need to be. It's not a horrible situation either, just a difficult one. So I guess the best way to deal with it is to plan one day at a time.
I'm not the only one feeling this way. Most of my friends and even some of my family are in the same boat. It may be a generation thing, or it may be a coming of age mentality. As I've listened to people talk about where they are, I've learned that the best way to prepare for the future is to accept that everything will not go according to plan. There is no guarantee that life will just come to you and offer you your dream. Especially today, it's the way of the world to favor the survival of the fittest, and the persistence of the driven. But then there is that fine line of a person's limit. Doing too much or going after too many dreams can be exhausting and disappointing.
It's very difficult to focus on the positive when you are too busy focusing on the negative.
There are also many important skills you have to learn in the big, wide world. How to present yourself, how to market yourself, how to focus on your goals, how to prioritize and how to work under pressure. All through this process, you go through many changes. You become more independent and responsible. You're at that stage where you are actually an adult.
There's even a new genre of books emerging from this twenty something stage of life. The stories focus mostly on self identity and coming of age.
So, I have to be honest, I don't feel like an adult yet. I still feel like I have a long way to go. So many goals to accomplish. So many career opportunities to go after. So many people to meet, and so many places to see.
But how do I get there? What is that one piece that I'm missing to get me where I feel I should be?
Or is that the problem? Is self criticism more of a trap than a resource?
There are so many things I want to do in life, and at times I feel really selfish about it. I know that the world will never be handed to me on a silver platter, but I also know that I don't really fit in to the mentality of my generation.
I am struggling with becoming jaded or breaking free. Such a strange place to be. It's not really a crossroads but more of a swirling dust devil in front of me. It makes the air unstable and hard to navigate.
I'm probably just complaining, but at the same time, there has to be a reason why I feel this way. Why I feel like people are moving on and leaving me behind, or maybe I just never noticed the way they were until now.
I'm told to make myself my number one priority, but when I do, it causes so much conflict and more trouble than it should. So soul searching is my number one priority now. I hope it's not too selfish, and I hope I don't lose more people as I walk this road.
I hope that there is light waiting for me at the end of the path. I have to create the faith in myself to overcome this nonsense.
Life is a bumpy road, so I'll try to focus on the scenery and not the rocks or hills, or even the times when I trip over my own two feet.
Focusing on the positive is not an easy practice, but I will try, and I hope whoever reads this does the same.
Don't give up.
Just Keep Going.
Your goal will be reached sooner than you think.
Remember the people who support you, and ignore the people who look down on you.
Focus on the good and learn from the bad.