Thursday, March 3, 2011
Something Blue 18 (On feeling blue)
In a lot of ways this week, I had to face the past. I've never had to take so many personal indulgence trips or purchase cake and cookies so much in one week. I think I learned something though. When you're blue, you need to remember that you are still you. There will be times you won't be able to handle everything that comes your way. But instead of thinking you're weak, you should ask yourself why you feel you won't be able to handle it. Is it too close to home? Why is it too close to home. If it's bothering you this much, why would you want it to rule your life? So I guess you could say the the past few days, I've been "blue" because I came face to face with my painful years of Middle School and High School. I'm not lying when I say that I would rather forget they happened. This week I had no choice but to read a book that told a story so like my own it was hard to handle. Reading this book made me feel like I was reading the pages of my diary, that I had been convinced I had thrown out or burned. I never thought the feelings, the memories and even the people would show up again. I had no idea how much the book would effect me. I never knew that having the events which happened in your past discussed like an academic debate would feel like a dagger plunged in your chest. What events you ask? Bullying. Yes, I knew exactly what it was like. And according to everyone in my class, I was the only one who was an outcast in my Middle School and High School days. I don't think I have broke down and cried in front of a teacher at college ever! But I did. I was able to deal with the entire class period but I had to stay after class and explain to the teacher that this book was so close to home, that I reacted the same way as the main character and lived through the majority of her circumstances, that I would not be able to listen to college kids discuss the events like robots. I'm grateful that my college teacher understood. And, even when I apologized, she told me I had no reason to relieve the painful events of the past. I still had to read the book, but I didn't have to go to class and discuss it. I was so relieved to hear that, but it still didn't mean it was easy. Imagine reading a book that was so like your past it would make you tell yourself, "I'm not that person anymore. It's over" over and over again. I'm glad that the character in the book found resolution, and I'm glad that no one else in my class had to go through that. I'm not glad that they couldn't understand what she went through. I guess it is hard to imagine going to school where no one will stand up for you, and you won't even stand up for yourself because you feel you've done something wrong. You are also the only person you can rely on. You don't know if anyone can be trusted. By reading this book, I had to accept that all these events happened, and I will need to eventually find my own way to resolve, within myself, that I'm no longer the victim I once was. It will be a hard battle, but I think reading this book and relating it to my past is the first step. Clearly I have a lot of emotions tied to this time in my life, and I admire the author of the book I had to read for being able to tell her story. Maybe one day, with the right words and the honest perspective, I will tell mine.