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Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Time and Patience

I learned an inportant lesson today, going to my physical therapist to fix my finger. No matter how much effort I put into something, it won't change right away. 
Things take time. Healing takes time. 
It's a series of actions and reactions. But it's a balancing act between work and rest. Work too hard and you have no energy. Rest too long and you make no progress. 
I found that this is true of many situations in life. Getting over fear, for example, or learning how to better care for yourself. 
Now I'm not perfect, but I do expect myself to be, and that's the trouble. If I see failure or if I realize that I've taken a step back instead of forward, I panic. 
I did that yesterday when I was late meeting a friend, and I was scolding myself the whole way there, until my friend told me that it was okay. 
I had never thought to tell myself that. It's okay. 
Mistakes are not always failure, and life is unpredictable. 
It's important to recognise that you are you, and sometimes you will need things, and sometimes those things will take time. 
I had been pushing myself to a ridiculous standard, trying to get my finger to bend properly, trying not to make any of my friends upset, trying to make sure that everyone was happy, that I burned myself out. I needed a break. 
This comes from a long habit of feeling guilty for not spending time with my brother in the past, and it evolved into every single thing I did for work, school, and in social situations. It was exhausting. 
Because I was so focused on what everyone else wanted, I didn't think about what I wanted, and what I needed. It was this vicious cycle of disappointing myself over and over again, and it became a mindset. At times I still fall into this mindset, and all I manage to do is what I'm trying not to do, upset the people around me. 
But getting out of this mindset, and getting out of this habit is going to take some time. There are lessons to learn. I need to communicate things better. I need to recognise my own wants and needs. I need to understand the wants and needs of others. It's a process. It's part of being human. 
But today, I made progress, lots of progress and it happened because I took a break, so that was a new experience for me. Breaks are just as important as work. Sometimes all you need is time and patience. 

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