I am currently on a journey to myself. This is mainly because at the moment I feel lost and confused. There are a few pieces of advice people give me when I tell them this. The most common is the response, "You need to forgive yourself." While I know this statement is completely true, I am still unsure how to do that. Another thing I am told is to "grow up" and "face life". This is all sound advice, but I have no process in mind for how to do this as well. I'm told that I'm stronger than I know, but that doesn't help if I don't believe it, so now I have decided I must go through a delicate process in order to understand who I am. This doesn't mean my life is any different from anyone. This also doesn't mean that I'm the only one with problems in the world. Believe me when I say, "I know that". But this ancient saying keeps crawling in the back of my mind, "You can't love others until you love yourself". In my life I face a ridiculous fear. The fear of intimacy, social situations, trust. This fear can best be described as a giant bear banging on the fortress I created with my own pessimistic thoughts. But I have never seen the bear. I may not even hear the bear's growl because I have closed myself in a painfully tiny hut made of the sturdiest expectations and materials I could find. So, yes I need to find a way to lower the wall, face the bear and gain courage. But how do I do that?
So now I turn to the many outlets, coping mechanisms and self help tools that exist. And there are thousands. Imagine floating in a sea with numerous life and rescue boats far off in the distance. Which will you swim to for help? And that's really the hardest thing, making that effort to find the help you need and the courage you crave. Anyway, I decided to start looking within, and ignore all outside expectations. These expectations include having a boyfriend, getting married in a few years and the ever popular "adult" attitude on media. I once tried to please everyone, and only ended up more miserable than I could have imagined. Before I can even face that bear beating on my wall, I must learn why I am afraid of it. I must discover what makes me feel so weak and helpless. Most importantly, I must decide what I actually want in life.
I have a metaphor. I picture myself as a flower in a pond that hasn't bloomed yet. While every flower around it has already bloomed, this flower hesitates, expecting the worst and harboring a secret desire for the best. Safe under the water and lily pads, it feels no need to bloom for fear of being trampled by a down pour or dried up in a drought. This flower has no balance. Always moving from one extreme to the other, it lives in a world of only good or bad. My goal is to bloom. Slowly but surely every flower must grow and discover what color they are, how tall they will be and what difference they will make in the world. Blooming takes time, and time takes practice.
I may not even hear the bear's growl because I have closed myself in a painfully tiny hut made of the sturdiest expectations and materials I could find. So, yes I need to find a way to lower the wall, face the bear and gain courage.
ReplyDeleteOkay, remember that story we read in Fables class about the woman and the tiger, and how she was slowly taming the tiger? But think of it this way. She confronted the tiger, yes, but that wasn't all she did. She went home and spent time with her husband, cooked meals, visited the medicine man, etc. It wasn't a full out confrontation that took place in one sitting, it was something that she integrated into her life. In other words, not sacrificing the journey you're already on for the journey you'd like to be on. Some people do that, but it's not a requirement that you leap fully forward into some epic battle in order to change yourself. You can go along with what you're doing and pay attention to where you'd like to be at the same time. In other words, facing the bear isn't a battle, it's a process. Does that make sense?
Yeah that does. I like the fairytale reference too :) So, in other words... it's only a battle if I make it one? If I face this as a process, it becomes less intimidating?
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